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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before! (I aplogize in advance for the inexcusable raunchiness of this chapter. In fact, that being said, all raunchiness in this chapter is not meant to be taken seriously. I suppose this would just be a reminder that they are still 'evil'...)

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 9: Misleading

Sephiroth yawned. Meow x17 yawned.

Kefka and Kuja were arguing. Actually, the arguement was borderline knock-down-drag-out fighting, except neither had thrown any punches yet. Sephiroth had given up trying to mediate. The Cat was down in his chair, trying his best not to be noticable.

Sephiroth wasn't even sure how the arguement had started. The last thing he remembered Kefka had been asking Kuja about something tail related. Now they were just sitting there yelling at each other. Kefka had the tantrum capabilities of a five-year-old, and was using them to his fullest while fighting with Kuja.

"Don't even suggest that that is what I was trying to say!" Kefka shrieked, flailing a bit.

"Funny, it sure sounds like that's what you were saying!"

They'd been going at it for a while, only stopping once for a break so that Kuja could have a drink. Fortunately, no one else was paying much attention to the bickering.

Based on the way the language of the argument was fouling, Sephiroth had a good idea of where this was heading. He and Kefka had discussed this earlier... He would have to be ready.

"No, I don't think that you would ever do that with your tail!" Kefka insisted. "It's probably not even that flexible!"

"Of course it's that flexible!"

"Reeeally?" Kefka perked with interest. "Have you tried?"

Kuja growled. "I thought you said that you weren't saying that!"

"I'm not!"

"Then don't look so eager!"

"I'll look as eager as I want to!" he said, sticking his tongue out at her.

"Don't stick your tongue out at me, young man!"

"Young man?!" Kefka shot back in disbelief. "How dare you call me that, you little---little... freak!"

"Freak?!" Kuja bristled, gripping the side of the table tightly. "At least I was born this way, and wasn't some lab rat!"

"At least I don't have a tail like you!"

"At least my tail is fully functional, unlike your brain!"

"Oh yeah?"


"Well....well... screw you!" Kefka hissed. Kuja colored darkly.

"Screw you too!" She pushed away from the table, getting to her feet.

"You--!" Kefka turned, cheeks flushed. He and Sephiroth exchanged a glance, then nodded faintly. Sephiroth jumped up from his seat, followed a moment later by Kefka. Kuja was dragged to the floor by Sephiroth.

"Hey!" Kuja cried in annoyance. She looked at Sephiroth, and then up at Kefka. He was smirking down at her, hands on his hips. "What?! No! No! I didn't mean it like that!"

"Now, now, you really need to watch what comes out of your mouth," Kefka said gleefully.

"No! Lemme go, Sephiroth!" She struggled, but was easily held down. "Lemme go!"

"Sorry, Kuja," Sephiroth said, smiling faintly. Kuja growled.

"This is no way to treat a lady! Now let me go, you--!"

"Now, don't make a scene," Sephiroth said softly, putting a hand over her mouth. Her eyes widened in a panic as Kefka crouched at her feet. Kuja tried to kick him away, but Kefka was holding down her feet.

"Nononononono!" it was muffled under Sephiroth's hand, but the message was still clear.

"No sense in fighting, uwee hee...." Kefka chuckled evilly as he undid the clasps on her boots.

Kuja made another noise of protest, but Sephiroth didn't loosen his grip on her. Kefka pulled one boot off, and then the other. And then he stood up, her boots still in hand.

"See, Sephiroth? I told you she had cute socks."

The silver head turned to look at Kuja's feet. "Hey, you're right!"

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked up at them in confusion as Sephiroth released his hold on her and stood up.

"What--the--the--" Kuja panted, pushing herself up into a sitting position. She glared at Sephiroth, but he averted his gaze to look at her feet. He was blushing. Kuja turned and looked at Kefka. "You!!"

She jumped to her socked feet and tackled Kefka, wrapping her hands around his throat as they hit the floor.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Kuja hissed angrily. Kefka tried to push her off, but he was laughing too hard to muster the strength.

"Don't strangle Kefka, Kuja," Sephiroth sighed. "It's just as much my fault as his."

Kuja growled over her shoulder. "I'll deal with you later!"

"Oh, c'mon!" Kefka gasped with laughter. "You didn't really think we were gonna do that!!"

"You had me fooled," she hissed.

"We may be stupid and evil, but we're not that stupid and evil!!"

"I don't care!" she shrieked, still trying to choke the breath out of him. "I didn't give you two permission to man-handle me like that!"

"Ow!" Kefka yelped as she ground her knee into his crotch. "Gah! Stoppit!"


"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Kefka squeaked in pain.

"Not good enough!"

"Oh, come on now, Kuja," Sephiroth said. "He apologized. Let him go." He bent down, easily plucking Kuja off of Kefka. She kicked and struggled again, but failed to escape him again. Sephiroth kept his arms wrapped tightly around Kuja's waist. Her feet were dangling in the air, and she continued to try to kick him.

"Let me go, you brute!" Kuja wailed. Sephiroth looked at Kefka, who had pulled himself back into his chair. Kefka shrugged mildly.

"Let her go, she won't do much more damage," Kefka sighed.

"Unless she bites you," Meow x17 said from where he was hiding in his chair.

With a slight shrug, Sephiroth deposited Kuja in her chair. He sat in his own, watching for a reaction from Kuja.

He didn't have to wait long.

"What the hell was that all about?!" Kuja shrieked. She was flushed and still gasping for breath.

"I wanted to see your socks," Sephiroth said sheepishly. Kefka giggled.

"You could have just asked," Kuja said evenly.

"Yes, but it was a lot more fun this way," Kefka said. "Uwee..."

Kuja slumped over the table, propping her chin on her arms. "You two are complete idiots." She closed her eyes. "Complete and totally, utterly perverted....idiots."

"But that's all we're good at being," Sephiroth said. Kefka nodded in agreement.

"What the hell am I gonna do with you two," she grumbled. "I can't even trust you for five minutes..."

"Would we be down here if we could be trusted?" Kefka said.

"....." She cracked an eye open. "Would I?"

"Huh?" They both looked at her. She smiled faintly.

"Thank you for the thrill, boys," Kuja said, closing her eyes again. Kefka and Sephiroth looked at each other, mouths hanging open in surprise.

"Fhu---whuu-wha?" Sephiroth sputtered.

"You mean you weren't really mad?" Kefka said.

"I was a little mad," Kuja said, still giving them the same crooked smile. "But..."

"Ooooh, you're evil!" Kefka giggled.

"Would I be down here if I was an innocent maiden?" Kuja snorted. "Hmph. Don't treat me like some shrieking virgin."

"You were certainly shrieking," Sephiroth said.

"You know what I mean," Kuja said. They nodded, still looking a bit puzzled.

"So if you weren't mad, why did you try to strangle me?"

"I have my reasons," she said slowly.

"Tell us!"

Kuja beckoned Kefka with a finger. He leaned closer, and she whispered something in his ear.

"What?!" Kefka balked, sitting back in his chair. "I thought you said you weren't going to ever decide!"

"Say what?"

"I didn't decide anything, Keffy," Kuja said with a faintly cruel smile. "I just wanted to experiment."

" knew we were going to tackle you, didn't you?"

Kuja smirked. "You honestly think I'm dumb enough to bait you two like that?"

Kefka giggled again. "You're even more evil than we thought! How wonderful!"

"That also explains why you didn't trance..." Sephiroth said in a mildly thoughtful tone.

"Hmm?" Kuja looked at him curiously.

"You could have tranced and easily kicked both our asses," he said.

"But you didn't, because you're really just a dirty little pervert like us!" Kefka giggled.

Kuja sweatdropped. "I would go that far. Although I did used to be quite the ladykiller."

"And now?" Kefka smirked.

"Now I've been killed and I'm a lady," she said, pursing her lips. "So I need a bit of retraining."

"We can help!" Sephiroth said with an eager grin.

"I'll try not to look too eager to take you up on that offer," Kuja said dryly.

"Uwee hee..."

She sat back, propping her feet up on the table. "So, you like my socks, huh?"

"Uh huh," Sephiroth nodded. She wiggled her toes. "They're cute."

"That was our whole reason for playing out that little charade," Kefka said, tapping a finger on her big toe. She giggled.

"Foot fetish?"

"Naw, just a general Kuja fetish," he said with a grin.

"And I suppose all that tail insulting was just part of the sock plan?" Kuja said, looking down at her tail.

"Mostly," Kefka said, still grinning. "Although I did really want to know if you could do that with your tail."

She sweatdropped. "I am not going to demonstrate for you."

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Better her tail than you," Sephiroth smirked.

"Lucky tail," Kefka sighed. "It gets to touch your butt all day."

Sephiroth's eye ticked in annoyance. "Definitely better her tail than you."

"Better my tail than either of you," Kuja smirked, wiggling her toes again.

They both pouted.



end chapter 9