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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 8: Tail of the Genome

Sephiroth was hunched over the table, sleeping off his hangover. Kuja was leaning back in her seat, feet propped up on the table. She was dozing, occasionally waking up to look around in confusion for a moment before falling back asleep. Meow x17 was curled up in his chair, holding onto a few of the drink umbrellas that Kuja had brought him. The only one awake at the table was Kefka.

And he was enjoying the view.

"Uwee hee hee," Kefka giggled to himself. "She should take naps more often. I can be a complete letch 'cause she's not awake to stop me!" He continued to stare, craning his neck to get a better angle.

There was a delay, but eventually a retort came from the subject of his review.

"I heard that," Kuja muttered sleepily, crossing her arms over her chest.


She smirked, but didn't open her eyes. Kefka hummed evilly, resuming his somewhat perverted hobby.

Sephiroth shifted, scratching his chin as he mumbled something in his sleep.

"Quit trying to be cuter than me!" Kefka hissed, flicking Sephiroth on the forehead. He batted lightly at the spot, but didn't wake up.

Kefka pouted for a moment, then returned his gaze to Kuja. Her feet were within reaching distance, and she had taken her boots off. Kefka looked at her socks with an amused smile. They were purple, like her armor, with lacy gold trim. Very feminine socks for someone who had bought them while still male. Still, now they served to make Kuja even cuter in Kefka's warped view.

Curious, he leaned closer, studying the skin visible above her socks. He noted, with a faint giggle, that Kuja's legs were completely smooth.

"She's gonna kill you if she wake up and finds you like that."

Kefka jerked, sitting up straight. He giggled guiltily. "Yes, she'd try at least. Uwee hee!"

Meow x17 hopped onto the table. "What're you looking at now, you perv..."

"N-nothing!" Kefka stammered, a blush creeping up through his pale facade. He leaned back toward Kuja's feet, pointing at her leg. "But she doesn't have any hair on her legs!"

Meow x17 sweatdropped. "She's not supposed to, she's a girl!"


"So maybe she shaved," the Cat shrugged. Kefka rolled his eyes.

"When would've she done that?"


"My point."

"But the Cat's right, I will try to kill you when I find you like that," Kuja's low-toned voice cut through Kefka's re-inspection. He yelped, sitting up again.

"K-Kuja-doll!" he giggled.

Kuja sat up, dropping her feet to the floor. "What the heck were you doing down there?!"

"Just looking!" Kefka said, trying to look innocent.

Kuja sighed. "You're a relentless pervert, Kefka."

He grinned. "I know."

"Kefka's worried 'cause you don't have hair on your legs," Meow x17 snickered. Kuja blinked the sleep from her blue eyes.

"No hair...." She pushed up a sleeve, studying her arm. "Well, no, I don't have any unnecessary hair, silly."

"'Unnecessary hair'?" Kefka echoed, propping his chin in his hand. "I don't catch your drift."

Kuja ordered a drink from the waitress before turning her attentions back to Kefka and Meow x17.

"Well, as I mentioned before, I was... engineered." She bent and pulled her boots back on.

"So what's so weird about that?" Meow x17 wondered. "Sephiroth was part of a cloning project, I think, and someone used their chemistry set on Kefka."

"Yeah, we're all science experiments here," Kefka nodded. "So how's that explain the hair?"

"Well, the guy who created the Genomes--that's what I am--controlled our appearances down to the smallest detail."

"Right down to the hairs?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I was a reject, kind of a first-generation model. Zidane was one of the better models. Although he made some improvements for the new model, we still have some stuff in common."

"Like the tails?" Meow x17 purred.

"Yes. Although he made the tails on the new models shorter. We also have the same eye color, and almost the same basic face and body structure..." Kuja smirked. "I have more attributes of my ancestors than my little brother does. The feathers, the hair color, the longer tail... the better looking Trance..." She tossed her hair with a chuckle.

"So your creator made you not have hair on your legs?"

"Right. Or anywhere that was deemed unnecessary. Arms, legs, torso..." She cleared her throat. "...anywhere not needed."

Kefka considered this, staring at Kuja's midsection. "Then why'd you get all fluffy when you Tranced?"

She shrugged. "I just do. And it was feathers, not fluff."

"Oh." Kefka grinned. "I liked it. Although I didn't expect you to cast Ultima on us."

Kuja looked at her nails. "It was a mood swing."

"A very strong one."

"I blew up a whole planet the first time I tranced," Kuja giggled, leaning against the table. "All that's left of it now is some charred debris in an alternate dimension."

"And all you could do was disrupt the balance of magic on your planet," Meow x17 snickered. Kefka zapped the feline.

"I destroyed most of the surface too," Kefka sniffed. "I just didn't blow it all up. I would've if I hadn't been stopped."

Kuja twirled a loose lock of violet hair around her index finger. "Yes, but if you hadn't been stopped, you wouldn't be here trying to look down my tank top right now."

"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka grinned at her. "Maybe, maybe not. I probably would've ended up here eventually...."

Kuja sat up as her drink arrived. "True, but maybe Sephiroth would've beaten you to the punch." She whispered something to the waitress, who nodded and departed again.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were encouraging us to hit on you," Kefka said, watching her raptly. Kuja shrugged lightly, taking a sip of her drink.

"Eternity is a long time to spend alone," she sighed. "Even if it's not as the gender I intended on spending it as."

"So which one of us do you like?" Kefka looked on curiously as the waitress brought back a pitcher of water.

"Why do you think I'd like either of you?" Kuja said, smirking. She traced an idle finger around the rim of the pitcher.

"Because you keep on toying with us," Kefka said.

"I toyed with people in life, why not in death?"

"I dunno..." Kefka tilted his head, looking at Sephiroth for a moment. "But still, which of us do you like better?"

Kuja stood, pitcher in hand. "I'm not going to decide."


"No one ever said I had to." She grinned, dumping the contents of the pitcher onto Sephiroth's head.

"Whaaaa!!" Sephiroth sputtered, sitting up as the water made contact. "I'm up! I'm up!!" He blinked, looking around. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Kuja said as she handed the pitcher back to the waitress. Sephiroth blinked again, pushing damp strands of silver hair out of his eyes.

"I'm guessing this was your doing...." he said wryly, wringing the excess moisture from his hair.

"Yeah," she grinned. "Have a nice nap?"

Sephiroth rubbed his eyes, then looked at Kefka. "Well, I was hoping he'd be gone by the time that I woke up."

"No such luck," Kefka smirked.

Kuja sipped her drink, chuckling. "Yer head still hurt?"

"Well... no... just kind of wet right now."

"Khehehe..." she giggled.

Sephiroth scowled. "I'm glad you find this amusing."

"Oh, greatly."

"She was just telling me that she plans on toying with us for eternity," Kefka sighed. The men looked at each other while Kuja gave them a wicked smile. She finished her drink, setting the empty glass on the table.

Kefka and Sephiroth looked at each other, and then at Kuja. And then at each other again.

"Sounds good to me!" Sephiroth grinned broadly.

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked. "You're enthused about me just...using you... forever?"

"We liiiiike you, Kuja-doll," Kefka giggled, wiggling his fingers at her.

"Speak for yourself," Meow x17 said, chewing on one of the drink umbrellas.

"So I've noticed."

They both fixed cute adoring stares on her.

"This is sickening. I think I'm going to go jump in a lava pit again."

"Can we come?"


"Aww..." They pouted.

"Perhaps encouraging you isn't the best idea," Kuja said, looking between them. "You do that well enough on your own."

"But we like having you here, Kuja," Kefka pouted. "Things were so boring before you arrived."

"For him at least," Sephiroth said.

"I'm not a player like you," Kefka snapped at him.

"I'm not a player! I just know how to appreciate exceptional beauty..."

"Especially when you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk!" Sephiroth hissed.

"You are most of the time!"

Sephiroth whacked his sword on the edge of the table. "I am not! Only when things get too boring to stand!"

"Yeah, then you can lay on the floor in a stupor instead of standing!"

Kuja yawned while watching them argue. Meow x17 yawned too, jumping down into his chair. He curled into a ball and fell back asleep.

"Good idea," Kuja mumbled as the men continued to argue.

"Well, it's not my fault you're stupid!"

"I'm stupid!"

"I'm not the one who ran around killing people like a madman!"

"You're one to talk!"

"I am a madman! It's different when I kill people!"

"Says you," Sephiroth sniffed in annoyance. "Kuja, what do you--"

They paused in mid-argument, looking at her. Kuja had slumped over the table, her face hidden in her arms.

"Kuja?" Kefka called softly. No response. "She must be asleep again."

Sephiroth leaned over. "Aw, she's even cuter asleep."

"Yeah!" Kefka giggled. "You should see her socks."

"Her socks?"

"Yeah, she even wears cute socks!"

"I wanna see," Sephiroth said, bending underneath the table. "Darn, she's got her boots on."

"Well, duh..."

"Ooh, make sure we don't tell her to get a bra!" Sephiroth said with an evil giggle.

"Huh?" Kefka bent under the table as well. "Uwee!"

"She really should take naps more often," Sephiroth said.

"That's what I was thinking," Kefka agreed.

"I think this better than socks," Sephiroth giggled.

"I dunno, they were awfully cute socks."


"Just kidding."

"I guessed as much."

"I bet you won't ever get to see the socks," Kefka said in a slightly snide tone.

"I will too!"

They sat up. Sephiroth bumped his head on the table while sitting back up, causing Kuja to stir. She mumbled something, but didn't wake up.

"She'll have to take her boots off again for that to happen," Kefka said.

"I bet I can get her to take them off," Sephiroth said.

"Bet you can't..."

Sephiroth looked at the sleeping form of Kuja. He smirked. "Bet I will...."


end chapter 8