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Disclaimers and Notes: Since it's been a few chapters, I'll recap. Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. If you don't like what I do to the characters, just remember I'm only doing this 'cause I love 'em. Or something like that.

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 7: Seeing Red

Sephiroth finally made it up to where Kefka and Kuja were standing.

"I wanna see," he restated his earlier demand.

"Nuh-uh!" Kefka stood in front of Kuja, blocking the taller man's view. "Mine!"

"Since when?!"

"I saw her first!" Kefka snapped.

"Actually, I think Sephiroth saw me first," Kuja piped up from behind him.

"Stay out of this!" Kefka hissed over his shoulder. Kuja glared at the back of his head.

"See, she likes me better!" Sephiroth said with drunken haughtiness.

"You two are acting like a couple of middle schoolers!" she shrieked in annoyance, pushing Kefka aside.

"Funny, most girls would like having two guys fighting over her," Kefka said, rubbing his arm.

"I'm not like most girls," Kuja grumbled.

"Ain't that the truth."

"She's better than most girls!" Sephiroth hiccupped. Kuja gave him a crooked smile.

"Kiss up," Kefka hissed.

"Flattery will get you farther than fighting," Kuja said evenly. Kefka considered this, but was called away by a customer.

"Can we leave now?" Sephiroth whined, wobbling against his sword again.

Kuja turned to look at her reflection in the mirror again. "I thought we were gonna wait for him to get off work."

"But that could be a while." They watched as Kefka argued with a customer.

"You could be ri--" Kuja stopped, blinking in surprise as the hulking form of a demon stomped out from the back room of the store. The demon roared loudly, and then swallowed the person Kefka had been arguing with whole.

"You're free to go for now, Kefka," the demon said in a deep growling voice.

"Thank you, sir!" Kefka giggled, darting away from the demon quickly. He ran over to them, grabbing Kuja by the wrist and dragging her out of the store. "C'mon, Kuja-doll! Let's get out of here before my supervisor decides he needs another snack!"

"Snack?!" Kuja flailed a bit as she was dragged out. Kefka didn't stop until they were several stores away from his workplace. Sephiroth ran after them, as best as he could.

"Uwee, my supervisor likes to eat customers in order to keep the number of customer complaints down."

Kuja regained her breath. "Wouldn't that just cause more complaints?"

"He eats them if they try to complain," Kefka giggled.


"Something like that."

They sat on one of the mall benches while regaining their senses. Kuja was sandwhiched between Kefka and Sephiroth. Sephiroth leaned against Kuja, resting his head on her shoulder. Kefka whacked him on the back of the head.

"Alright, now who's touching my butt?!"


Eventually, after various smacking and shrieking and...groping... the trio headed back to their designated hall. Along the way, however, things got out of hand...again.

Sephiroth's sword shrieked as it struck against the metal railing that lined part of the path along Wretched Souls Blvd. "You suck!" Kefka cackled, dodging each of Sephiroth's attacks.

"Can't you guys wait until we get back to beat the snot out of each other?" Kuja called as Kefka shot a Flare at Sephiroth.


She sighed and shrugged. "Idiots."

The area they were fighting in probably wasn't the best place for a duel. Wretched Souls Blvd. was placed alongside one of hell's large firey lava pits. Not that any permanent damage would be done by falling in, but there were signs placed all over that read 'No Swimming'. Kuja watched them attack each other again, looking faintly amused.

Sephiroth managed to trip Kefka with his sword. The shorter man landed flat on his face.

"Kheh heh heh!" Kuja covered her mouth, trying not to laugh outright.

"I thought you said you didn't like guys fighting over you!!" Kefka shouted, spitting gravel as he got back to his feet.

"I can change my mind!" Kuja shouted back indignantly.

"Yeah!" Sephiroth chimed in. Kefka growled.

"Women!" he hissed, throwing another Flare at Sephiroth. He managed to dodge the attack this time, and swung at Kefka with his sword. He missed, but did manage to clip off the end of Kefka's blue feather.

Kefka gasped, whirling away. "You bastard! That was my favorite feather!"

"Well now it's less of your favorite feather!"

Kefka growled again and tackled Sephiroth. He cought the bishounen off guard, and Sephiroth lost his grip on his sword. It went flying, and the handle struck Kuja in the forehead with enough force to send her flying backwards.

Into the lava pit.

"Whaaa!!" Kuja let out a surprised cry as she took the long plunge down. There was a faint splash as she landed in the lava pit.

"Uh-oh," Kefka and Sephiroth sweatdropped. "That's not good."

"This is your fault!!" Kefka snapped, turning and pointing an accusatory finger at Sephiroth.

"My fault?!" Sephiroth balked, picking up his sword. "I didn't knock her in!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"


"Will you two shut the fuck up!?" A deep, angry, familiar voice screamed behind them.

Both men blinked and turned back in the direction of the lava pit.

"K-Kuja?" Kefka squeaked in surprise.

"Eh?" Sephiroth blinked again, brushing away a red feather as it landed on his nose.

Kuja floated in front of them, looking red, feathery, and generally pissed off.

"You two are so stupid!!" Trance Kuja shrieked, her long red tail lashing angrily behind her. "You knocked me into that damn lava pit!!"

They were staring at her, mouths hanging open. Kefka was drooling. Sephiroth looked like he was about to.

"You've got tits now, Kuja," Sephiroth observed. Kefka nodded in agreement.

"Gah!" Kuja crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know why I put up with you two!!"

"Because you like us?" Kefka suggested, still staring.

"How could I like a pair of idiots like you two?!"

"No other options?"

Kuja growled. "I have options!"



Kefka and Sephiroth were flattened by the powerful blast of blue and violet energy that Kuja shot at them.

"Wow," Sephiroth coughed, sitting up and brushing his coat off.

"We can add that to the list," Kefka said to Sephiroth, who nodded eagerly in agreement. Kefka pulled out his notepad and wrote something down quickly.

"What list?" Kuja snapped, hovering a bit closer.

"Our list of reasons why we like you," Sephiroth said with a sheepish grin.

"We had to start keeping track," Kefka said softly, tucking the notepad away under his cloak.

She blinked her red eyes a few times. "...why you like me?"

They nodded, still weary of being zapped again.

Kuja looked a bit perplexed. "What....what did you add to the list?"

"You cast a nice Ultima," Sephiroth said.

"And that you look really good in red," Kefka grinned. Kuja blushed, looking down at her red-feathered form.

"I...I... you guys..."

"You don't have to apologize, Kuja," Sephiroth grinned.

"Yeah, it's not your fault that we're stupid males."

"I used to be a stupid male too," Kuja said uncertainly.

"We don't hold that against you," Kefka giggled.

"Yeah, we like you better as a chick!"

"Uwee hee, even if you do get some whacked-ass kind of PMS!" Kefka gave another insane giggle.

Kuja landed in front of them. "Well, I... I forgive you two for being stupid males."

"Uwee hee!"

"You're not gonna be able to get rid of us now," Sephiroth grinned.

"I'll find a way," she said dryly.

The men hesitated for a moment, then both leaned down and gave Kuja a quick peck on the cheek. She blushed heavily, frozen in place for a moment.... before decking them both in turn.

"No one said you could do that!!"

"She punched me first!" Sephiroth giggled.

"No fair!"

Kuja sighed, her cheeks still as red as the rest of her. "You two are impossible."

"We know," Kefka grinned from where he was still slumped at her feet. "Hey, you've got nice toes too!"

"Another reason!"

Kuja sighed again as they high-fived each other. Closing her eyes, she took a step backward. There was a blue flash of light, and when the light faded Kuja was laying on the ground.

Kefka and Sephiroth got to their feet, leaning over her. The trance had faded, leaving her back in her usual garb.

"I think she fainted," Kefka giggled.

"I'll carry her back!" Sephiroth hooted.

"No you won't, you'll just stab her with your sword!" Kefka hopped a few times. "I'll carry her!"

"You'll just stab her with your sword!" Sephiroth growled. Kefka blinked a few times before catching Sephiroth's drift.

"Better me than you!"


"There will be no stabbing me with swords of any sort!" Kuja hissed from the ground, opening her eyes.

"Aw, she didn't faint," Kefka pouted.

"I was just catching my breath," Kuja snapped. "Now help me up!"

"Yes ma'am!!" They both took an arm and pulled Kuja to her feet.

"Can I carry you anyways?" Sephiroth asked, looking hopeful.

"I can walk just fine," Kuja glowered at him.

"Can't blame me for trying."

"I can!" Kefka said, trying to edge himself between Kuja and Sephiroth as the trio continued their return to the Villain's hall.

Kuja stopped in midstep. "Will you two behave?"

They stared at her with cute drooley expressions. "Anything for you, Miss Kuja."

She sighed, again.

Their stares fixed on her chest. Kuja flushed, glancing down.

"I think that trance thing had some positive effects," Kefka grinned, wiping a bit of drool off his chin. Kuja growled.

"Will you two stop looking at my chest?!"

"Do we have to?" Sephiroth whined. "There was never anything to look at before..."

Kuja's arm jerked, but she restrained herself.

"It's like you just hit puberty!" Kefka grinned, giggling wickedly. Kuja didn't restrain herself at that comment, and left an imprint of her boot in Kefka's crotch. He doubled over, squealing in pain. "Uweeee!"

"Harsh," Sephiroth said, and tried to look cute and innocent. Kuja growled at him, but didn't bother hitting him.

"You can carry him back," she smirked after a moment. She continued walking.

"How about I carry you, and we leave him here?" Sephiroth trailed behind her. "He's like a puppy, he'll find his way back!"

"I'm not a puppy!" Kefka said, voice strained as he staggered after them.

Kuja mused as she continued walking. Sephiroth and Kefka trailed a few steps behind her like... well, like faithful puppies.

"Maybe I should get some new shoes," she said. "I bet it'd hurt more if I kicked you wearing heels."

"Anything you want," Kefka said, pulling his cloak around himself for protection. "But Sephiroth gets the next kick."



end chapter 7