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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (And I just want to say a big thank you to all the nice people who've been reviewing this story. ... THANK YOU! ^_^ )

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 6: The Great Mall of Hell

The bishounen turned bishoujo sighed. "Yes, I'm sure Brahne counts as the world's largest land mammal."

Kefka wiggled his pen thoughtfully over the crossword puzzle he was working on. "How do you spell that?"

"B-r-a--" Kuja stopped, blinking in surprise as Kefka disappeared in a flash. "Where'd he go!?"

"To work, probably," Sephiroth shrugged.

Kuja blinked again. "Work?"

"Yeah, Kefka works down in the Great Mall of Hell," Meow x17 said.

"I was totally unaware of that," Kuja sighed. "Why did he never leave before?"

"He only has to work when they call him in," Sephiroth said. "He went in once while you were in the bathroom line."

"I missed everything then," she grumbled. "So... what's in this Great Mall of Hell?"

"Mostly bars and clothing boutiques," Sephiroth shrugged.

"Where does Kefka work?"

"'House of Pained Style', or something like that," Meow x17 purred.

Kuja picked up the crossword puzzle off the floor. "I wasn't even aware that there was a mall in hell."

"You didn't think to ask, did you?" Sephiroth shrugged. Kuja frowned, looking down.

"There seems to be a lot of things I didn't think about."

Sephiroth studied Kuja's downcast expression and grinned. "We can go bug him at work if you want to."

Kuja blinked, glancing up. "We can leave?"

"Well, not permanently," Sephiroth said. "But why would they build a mall if no one was allowed out to go to it?"

"Hell works in mysterious ways," Kuja said in a sour tone.

"Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun!" He looked at her imploringly. Kuja drummed her fingers on the table for a moment, before giving a shrug of her armored shoulders.

"Fine," she sighed. Sephiroth stood up and used his sword to scratch his name into the chair he was sitting in.

"I'll watch the table, but you have to bring me something back," Meow x17 volunteered.

"Okee doke," Sephiroth grinned. He offered Kuja a hand.

"Shall we?"

She gave him a doubtful look, but took his hand. "What the heck."


After getting a temporary exit pass, Kuja and Sephiroth walked down the long hallway that led out into the main district of hell.

"So where is this Great Mall anyways?" Kuja wondered, looking around as Sephiroth steered her past the long line of people waiting to get into the underworld.

"Just a short walk down Wretched Souls Boulevard," Sephiroth said, pointing at a mass of buildings in the distance.

"Wonderful." Kuja's nose curled as they walked. "What's that smell?"

"Describe it."

"A mix of sulfur, blood, and burnt hair."

"Oh, that's just the general stink of hell," Sephiroth said with a light shrug. "You get used to it after a while."

"Do you come out here often?"

"I try to," Sephiroth sighed. "Our room gets boring fast."

"You didn't seem to find it boring when I first got there," Kuja said with a smirk. Sephiroth arched a brow.

"I don't remember," he said with a toss of his silver hair. He rested his sword on his shoulder, glancing at Kuja.

"You were hammered, if I remember correctly," she said. "Had one of those Alexandrian soldiers on your arm."

"Nonsense, I never get hammered!"

"She said that you didn't handle rum drinks well."


Kuja snickered.

"Well, if rum drinks were involved, then I probably was hammered."

"You were telling everyone that you had a sword."

Sephiroth grinned. "I like my sword."

She looked at him. "Do you drag that thing around everywhere?"

"It's kind of a security blanket," Sephiroth said with a faint blush. Kuja chuckled, violet tail swishing in amusement.

A massive demon sitting in the road growled at them as they passed by. Kuja flushed as Sephiroth wrapped a protective arm around her waist.

"I'm a big b--girl, Sephiroth, I don't need you to protect me," Kuja said after a moment. Sephiroth gave her a silly grin and shrugged.

"I was just trying to be a gentleman."

Kuja arched a brow. "You're just looking for an excuse to grope me."

Sephiroth's grin broadened. "That too." He removed his arm from around her waist. "I can't do anything when Kefka's around. He'd probably dismember me in some fashion or another."

She shook her head. "You two are terrible."

"Can you really blame us for fawning over such a pretty lady?" he was still grinning.

Kuja sighed heavily. "No comment."

After a moment of silence, Sephiroth pointed to a sprawling building that they were approaching. "That's the mall."


Sephiroth looked at Kuja thoughtfully as they neared the mall. "I'm sorry we thought you were a girl when you first got here."

"I was a girl when I first got here!"

He giggled. "Well, yeah, but you didn't know that."

She stuck her tongue out. "You're not exactly manly looking yourself."

"Yes, but I don't go around wearing a skirt!" Sephiroth giggled and patted Kuja on the butt. She flushed again.

"What is with you two and my ass?!"

"I think it's the skirt," Sephiroth grinned. "It makes you all the more appealing."

She glowered. "I'm going to have to buy pants while we're here."

"Ooh! You could get a mini-skirt!" he suggested eagerly. "I'd suggest a halter top too, but you don't really have anything to halter."

Kuja growled. "You're working towards a butt kicking, Sword-boy."

"Oh, would you really? That would make Kefka so jealous!" They reached the entrance of the Great Mall of Hell. Sephiroth pushed the door open, and they went inside.

"Have you always been this competitive with Kefka?" Kuja wondered as she looked around. The mall was fairly dark, but the darkness gave the place a strangely homey feeling.

"Naw, I usually avoid him like the plague," Sephiroth laughed.

"Then why are you always hanging around?"

"I have my reasons," he said mysteriously. They passed a few bars as they walked along the black and blue tiled floor of the mall. "Hey, do you want to get a drink before we go bug the clown?"

"Suuuure, why the hell not?" She tried to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. The silver-haired man didn't seem to pick up on it.

"I know a place that has great rum drinks!"


A while later, who knows how long really, Kuja and Sephiroth emerged from the third or fifth bar that they'd went into. Sephiroth hiccupped, leaning on his sword.

"I think I'm ready to face Kefka now," Sephiroth said, his voice heavily slurred. Kuja snickered.

"Well... where's he at anyways?"



Sephiroth blinked a few times. "Huh?"

"I said 'Wonderful'," Kuja said, rolling her eyes. "You really need to learn how to hold your liquor."

"I only threw up once!" Sephiroth snapped. He hiccupped again, looking up and down the length of the mall. "Kefka's down thissaway."

"Lead the way, drunken guy with sword," Kuja giggled.


It took a few tries, but they eventually found their way to the 'House of Pained Style'. Most of the stores had better lighting than the main corridor of the mall, and the House was no exception.

A few demons and other damned souls were milling about the store. They paid little attention as a tall man in an armored black trenchcoat staggered in, still carrying his sword. They equally ignored the shorter and clearly not as intoxicated woman with violet hair who followed a step or two behind the man.

"I have a sword!" Sephiroth announced to the store. "Do I get a discount?"

"Not like you actually pay for anything anyways," Kuja said. She looked around. "Where's Kefka?"

"Back at the register," Sephiroth pointed over a clothing rack. He followed Kuja as she made her way to the back of the store, trying not to knock too much stuff over along the way.

"Kefka?" Kuja called inquiringly as they reached the counter that Kefka was standing behind. He had his back turned to them, and was wearing headphones. Some sort of music, the kind that was best described as being 'really loud', was blaring through the headphones. "Kefka! Kefka!!"

"I don't think heeee can heeeear you," Sephiroth said, leaning on his sword again.

Kuja sighed in frustration. Leaning a bit over the counter, she grabbed Kefka by the ponytail and tugged down hard. He didn't seem to notice until the back of his head hit the countertop.

Kefka blinked a few times in surprise, then grinned widely. "Kuja-doll!" He pulled off the headphones, turning the volume down to a low shriek.

"So you have a joooob," Kuja said, still holding onto his ponytail.

"Uwee hee, yes I do!" Kefka giggled. "How'd you find me?"

Kuja released her grip on his hair and pointed at Sephiroth. He was humming, about to fall over despite the crutching sword. Kefka righted himself, scowling a bit at the bishounen.

"Did you have to bring him along?"

"He was the only one who knew the way," Kuja shrugged. "Besides, he's drunk. Can't do too much harm."

Kefka pursed his blood-red lips, fangs visible. "Are you drunk?"

"I'm fiiiine," Kuja insisted.

"What all did you two drink?"

"Oh, the usual," she leaned on the counter. "A few Bloody Moogles, some tequila, a few rum drinks, and some of those drinks with the little umbrellas."

"No wonder he's so hammered," Kefka smirked. "We should leave him here when I get off work."

"When's that?"

Kefka shrugged. "Eventually."

"Well, what am I supposed to do until 'eventually'?" Kuja whined. Kefka glanced around the store.

"You could....try on clothes?"

Kuja made a face of disgust. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"N-nothing!" Kefka stammered. "You look fabulous!" He smiled at her appeasingly. She gave a little snort.

"Well... the under-layers of my armor are kind of annoying me," Kuja said, looking down. Kefka stared at her chest, tilting his head birdishly.

"Annoying how?"

"The metal is a bit chafing."

"Hmm..." Kefka narrowed his eyes, holding up his hands like he was framing a picture around her. "Might I suggest...a tank top?"

Kuja blinked. "A tank top?!"

"Just to replace the metal part that's...rubbing... against that wonderfully smooth skin of yours." He grinned. Kuja sweatdropped.


"Well, I'm just doing my job!" Kefka insisted.

"Is mentally molesting the customers part of your job description?" Kuja wondered doubtfully.

"Actually, it is."


"It is!"


Kefka pouted. "Not like I need an excuse to do it."

Her response was cut off by Sephiroth hitting the floor behind her. Kuja turned and bent over Sephiroth.

"Sephy? You okay?" She waved a hand over his face.

Kefka bristled. "Sephy?"

"She just trying to get back at you fer staring at her chessssst," Sephiroth managed. Kuja's tail wiggled as she stood back up.

"When did he get a pet name?" Kefka wondered, looking down at Sephiroth in annoyance.

"Somewhere between the third Bloody Moogle and the second umbrella drink," Kuja said, tail still wiggling mischieviously.

"I want a pet name too," Kefka pouted.

"I thought you were going to help me find a tank top," she said with a smirk.

"Pet name!" Kefka hopped in frustration. "No pet name, no service!"


Sephiroth hummed drunkenly from the floor. Kuja sighed.

"Fine... Keffy. Show me to the tank tops."

"Uwee! This way!" Kefka grabbed Kuja by the wrist and dragged her gleefully away from Sephiroth.


Kefka stood behind Kuja as she studied her reflection in a mirror. He was looking at her lower backside, but she ignored this.

"You know, my pet name rhymes with Sephiroth's," Kefka said.

"I'm not that creative," Kuja shrugged. She itched just below her collarbone. "Hmm..."

"Sephy and Keffy," Kefka said.

"I think it sounds cute," she smiled. Kefka smiled, still looking at her butt.

"How's the top fit?"

"You really must've been staring at me a lot to get my size right on the first try," Kuja said with a twisted smirk. "Considering I've never bought women's clothing before."

He glanced at her skirt, but didn't comment.

"I...uh.... It was a lucky guess," he fibbed.

"Suuuure it was," Kuja said, turning to face him. The inner layers of her armor had been replaced by a gold-trimmed white tank top that stopped a few inches above her belly button. "Well?"

He eyed her eagerly. "I like it!"

"You like any excuse to stare at my chest," Kuja sighed, turning back to the mirror. "Or lack thereof."

"I wanna seeeee!" Sephiroth cawed, having managed to get back to his feet.

"You can't see, you're not special enough!" Kefka shouted back as Sephiroth tried to regain his bearings.

"I am too special!" Sephiroth hiccupped. "I have a sword!"

"It's okay, Kefka, he'll see it eventually anyways." Kuja was snickering.

"Not if he falls on his sword and pokes his eyes out," Kefka said, rubbing his hands together with an evil glint in his eyes. Well, more evil than normal.


"Pet name!"

Kuja glowered at the blonde for a moment. Finally, she cleared her throat.

"Keffy, leave Sephiroth alone!" Kuja whined, pushing her voice up into a falsetto.

Sephiroth blinked a few times as he hobbled toward the dressing rooms. "Thaaaat was disturbing."

"It was," Kefka agreed, sweatdropping. Kuja cleared her throat again.

"So I still don't sound like a girl. I don't see you helping!"

"How are we supposed to help with that?" Kefka wondered, again fixing her with a lusty stare.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Humor me."

"Ooh, I can do that!" Kuja cringed as Kefka grinned broadly. "Uwee hee hee..."


end chapter 6