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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (I actually like this chapter. ^^; )

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 5: Visitor's Pass

Sephiroth and Kefka sat and watched as Kuja said with his-er-her head resting on the table top. Kekfa had recently rented out Miss 'Top Tower' as a party decoration, and Sephiroth had taken up temporary residence in her seat.

"I don't wanna be a girl!" Kuja whined. Several day--er, it had been a little while since Kuja had made her little 'discovery' in the bathroom.

"I think she's taking it well," Sephiroth said. Kefka shrugged.

"She must've hit her head or something when she fell from grace."

"What'ya mean?" Meow x17 wondered.

"Well, how else do you explain the fact that she couldn't remember that she was a girl?!"

"I'm not--I don't wanna be a girl!"

"Well, I don't like my toes, but I can't change them, now can I?" Sephiroth said in a mildly sweet tone.

"You could cut them off," Kefka said.


"Don't mention cutting anything off!" Kuja snapped, sitting up and brushing the hair from her eyes. "Or I'm not going to be the only one with this problem!"

Kefka blinked. "Uwee... PMS?"

Kuja growled, and was about to backhand Kefka when a demonesse stepped up behind her.

"Excuse me, Mr....uh... Miss... Kuja?"

"You could call her Mrs. Palazzo!" Kefka giggled wildly, until Kuja's fist connected and sent him to the floor. "Uwee, just a love tap!"

Kuja turned to face the demonesse. "Yes?"

She turned her gaze from the giggling man on the floor. "Yes...Kuja. You have a visitor."

"Me?" Kuja squeaked in surprise. The demonesse nodded and turned around.

"Just page me whenever you're ready to go," she said.

"Right," a voice behind her said. Kuja recognized it immediately and cringed. Meow x17 bristled.

"No! Not him!"

The demonesse departed, leaving behind a tall blonde man. He smiled brightly, his long creme-colored tail waving behind him.


"You!!" Kuja shouted angrily. Zidane blinked in surprise, then smiled again.

"Gee, I didn't expect such a warm greeting."

"Hide me!" Meow x17 squeaked as Kefka got back into his seat. Zidane looked at the occupants of the table curiously.

"Can....can I sit?"

Kefka looked at Zidane suspiciously. "Who's this?"

"" Kuja said, crossing her arms. "What the hell are you doing here, Zidane?"

"Just visiting," Zidane smiled, pointing to the nametag on his chest. It said "VISITOR" in big blue letters, with a little happy face and halo below the word. His name was scrawled below the happy face.

Kefka moved to Meow x17's seat. The Gimme Cat sat on his shoulder, looking at Zidane warily. "Oh, the one who killed Kuja."

"But you're not dead, Zidane, how'd you get here?" Kuja watched Zidane sit in Kefka's chair.

"I've been dead a few millenia, Kuja," Zidane said.

"You were in the line for the bathroom a really long time," Kefka said. Kuja sighed.

"Don't remind me."

"Remind you of what?" Zidane wondered.

"Nothing!" Kuja snapped. "Now, why'd you come here and bug me?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing in hell."

"Figures you'd get into heaven."

"I had to spend some time in purgatory first," Zidane said. "Because of my earlier...uh...womanizing days in life."

Kuja cringed. "That's right, you're a pervert."

"I've got a card that says they cured me of that!" Zidane blushed. "But....yeah."

Kuja took a nervous sip of a drink that Sephiroth ordered for her. "But...if you're dead, shouldn't you look older?"

"Only people who go to hell are stuck looking like the age they died at forever. When I got to heaven I got to choose what age I wanted to look like for eternity."

"And you chose what, 12?"

Zidane laughed. "21, actually. I wanted to be able to drink."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "They have alcohol in heaven?"

"Of course they do, silly, it's heaven."

He sighed. "That's right."

"Another drink for Miss Kuja," Kefka called to the waitress.

"Better make it two," Kuja sighed. Zidane blinked.

"He just called you 'Miss'..."

Kuja cleared her throat nervously. "Yes..."


She flushed. "I don't want to talk about it!"

"Oh, you got turned into a girl for being such a pervert in life too, eh?" Zidane grinned. Kuja's flush darkened.

"Garland's Genomes all had the same freakin' flaw," she snapped. "It's not my fault!"

Zidane shrugged. "You look the same."

Kuja crossed her legs defensively. "Believe me, there's a difference."

Her brother looked thoughtful for a moment. "Or it could be because of what happened when you died."


"I thought you said Zidane killed you," Meow x17 said.

"The tree killed him," Zidane said. "I--"

"--just helped." Kuja finished for him. "What do you mean, 'because of what happeneded when you died'?"

"Uh, right before you teleported me out, the tree's roots closed in around us, right?"

"Right..." Kuja accepted the drinks from the waitress.

"Well, uh..." Zidane giggled nervously, looking away. Kuja downed one of the drinks quickly.

"What? Tell me!"

"Well.... one of the roots went right through....there."

Kuja squeaked, her eyes going wide. "No!"

"You got a sex-change from a tree?" Sephiroth said doubtfully.

Kuja shook her head. "No! No! No!"

"I'm afraid so," Zidane said with a shrug.

Kefka scratched his ear thoughtfully. "You mean... before Kuja died... she was really a guy?"

"Uh huh," Zidane nodded. "My brother."

Kefka made a face, sticking his tongue out. "Eeeeeew!!"

"But how did you not notice the change, Kuja?" Zidane wondered.

"I didn't think it would be any different!" Kuja snapped, starting the second drink. "I didn't find out until I had to go the bathroom, and...and..."

"Mr. Happy was missing?"

"Mr. Happy had been replaced!" Kuja wailed.

Zidane looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Better you than me."

"Hey!" Kuja slammed the glass down. It cracked.

"You have to quit doing that, Kuja," Meow x17 said from Kefka's shoulder. "They'll make you work in the dishwasher if you keep breaking glasses."

"Don't care," Kuja pouted. "Better than being here."

"Oh, you're just saying that," Sephiroth snickered. Zidane looked between the other men at the table. And the Cat.

"So who are you guys supposed to be?" he wondered.

"We're villains!" Sephiroth said proudly.

"We got killed by the heroes," Kefka shrugged.

"Your friend barbecued me," Meow x17 snarled at Zidane, wings flapping indignantly. "Pointy hatted bastard!"

"Ow! Claws!" Kefka shrieked as the Gimme Cat dug his claws into Kefka's shoulder. "Bad kitty!"

"They're my admirers," Kuja said dryly.

"How charming," Zidane said, scooting the chair a bit further away from Kefka and Meow x17.

"We try," Kefka grinned. He waved down the waitress, again.

"I was wondering something, Zidane," Kuja said.

"What's that?"

"When you were in purgatory, or heaven, or just coming down in here, did you see Brahne or Garland anywhere?"

Zidane drummed his fingers on the table. "Brahne is still in purgatory, but it looks like she might get into heaven."


"She had a pure soul until you corrupted her, Kuja," Zidane said. "They're keeping that in mind when dealing with her."

Kuja pouted. "What about Garland?"

"Hell," Zidane said quickly. "But not in this room, obviously."

"But he should be here, based on what the demons said!"

"Yes, well..." Zidane wiggled his tail. Kuja's tail copied the motion from under her skirt. She sighed. "Um, Garland got sent to a special room for people who tried to play god."

"But I did that too," Kuja pointed out.

"And so did I!" Kefka giggled.

"I probably did too," Sephiroth added, patting the sword in his lap.

"Hell, half the people in this room probably pulled that stunt," Kuja said. "So why did Garland get weeded out?"

"Well, actually..." Zidane giggled. "He was a jerk."

"So were they," she pointed idly at Kefka and Sephiroth.

"Apparently, he was such a jerk that he attracted the attention of some high ranking demonesse," Zidane said. "She kinda called dibs on him when you killed him."

Kuja giggled. "Interesting. So what happened to him?"

"From what I heard, he's gonna spend the rest of eternity as her private play-toy," Zidane said with a light shrug.

"I hope she pulls his tail," she muttered.

Zidane blinked. "Garland had a tail?"

"Our Terran ancestors weren't creative enough to make him without one," Kuja took another drink from the waitress. Zidane watched as Kuja quickly downed the new drink.

"I didn't think of you as a drinker," Zidane said slowly. Kuja wheezed softly as she set the glass back down.

"I wasn't before," Kuja shrugged. "But hell has ways of changing you."

"Doesn't the drinking cause problems?"

"Only when I have to go to the bathroom," Kuja sighed. Zidane glanced down.

"Are you really a girl now?"

Kuja flushed. "Do you want to see?!"

"I do!" Kefka raised his hand eagerly. "Me! Me! Pick me!"

Zidane blushed. "I'd rather not, thank you. I'll just take your word on that."

"Good." Kuja glowered at Kefka, who had begun to drool. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Kefka gave her an innocent look as he wiped his chin off.

"Hentai for brains," Kuja muttered. Kefka and Sephiroth snickered.

Something at Zidane's hip beeped. With a slightly resigned sigh he pulled the beeper from his belt and looked at it. "Rats."

"Where?" Meow x17 looked around hopefully. "I'm starving!"

Zidane sweatdropped. "Uh... right." He put the beeper away. "I'd love to stay and chat, but Garnet needs me."

"Needs you for what?" Kuja wondered.

"You know all that weird kinky stuff you used to want to do to her?"

Kuja nodded feebly.

"Something like that."

Kuja let out a distressed shriek. "Damn, this is so unfair!"

Zidane paged the demonesse escort. "Maybe I'll come visit you again sometime." He glanecd at the others, and then around the room with a shudder. "Maybe."

"You can't leave me with these guys!" Kuja wailed, grabbing Zidane's arm.

"Hey, what's wrong with us guys?" Sephiroth pouted.

"They're gonna try to do horrible, nasty, dirty, kinky things to me!" Kuja continued.

"And to think you used to like that," Zidane sighed.

"Not when I'm on the receiving end!"

"It's karma, Kuja, it's all karma," Zidane said as the escort arrived. He managed to pull himself free from Kuja's grasp, only to have her clamp onto his tail.

"Zidane! Pleeeeease!"

"I can't take you with me!" Zidane swatted at his sister. "Now let go of my tail!"

"Heard that before," Kefka sighed.

"But it's so nice and soft," Kuja said, petting the end of the tail. Zidane sighed again.

"You have your own tail, Kuja, play with it!" Zidane flicked his tail free.

"Oooh, I do!" Kuja cried in distraction, curling her tail up and grabbing hold of it. "Soft...."

"See you later, Kuja," Zidane shook his head as he followed the escort.

"Bye bye, Zidane," she said softly, affectionately petting her tail.

"Can I pet your tail?" Kefka asked hopefully as he moved back to his own chair. Meow x17 hopped off of Kefka's shoulder.

"No!" Kuja clung to his tail protectively. "Mine!"

"Aw, c'mon, just for a little while!"

"No, my tail!" Kuja wailed.

"Then just for a minute!"




"Waitress..." Sephiroth called with a sigh.


end chapter 5