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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (This is where it starts getting bad for Kuja. ^_^ You've been warned!)

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 4: Trouble Down Under

Kuja finally reached the red door that Kefka had indicated. The word "Bathroom" was stenciled in neat gold letters on the door. He hesistated, but his bladder insisted that he press on.

Opening the door Kuja saw a line that seemed to stretch on forever. "And I thought the line to get in here was long."

Kuja took his place in line, squirming occasionally. He really shouldn't have drunk so much.

Some of the people (and monsters) in the line looked like they had been in line for awhile. A Behemoth snapped at him as the line moved up slowly.

"There's just one stall, isn't there?" Kuja realized after a long while.

"Just the one," a creepy looking man said. His tag read "Hojo". Kuja looked at him nervously.

"Been here a while?"

"I'm just here for entertainment," Hojo said dryly, adjusting his glasses.


"But yes, I've been here for about..." he pushed up the sleeve of his lab coat. "Three or four hours."

"That's not too bad..."

"This is the end of the line," Hojo said with a sneer. "Last time I had to go I spent about two millenia in line."

"Two millenia?" Kuja swallowed. "But I really have to go!"

"Well, by the time you get to the front of the line, you'll really really have to go."



Sephiroth sat in Kuja's seat, his feet propped up on the table. Kefka scowled at him.

"Get your feet off the table."

"Make me!"

"Don't think I won't!"

"Boys, boys! Will you two behave?" Meow x17 sighed. Sephiroth snorted and looked away. Kefka grumbled to himself.

"Who said you could sit in Kuja's seat anyways?"

"I don't see her name on it," Sephiroth sneered.

"You're sitting on the name!"

Sephiroth stood up. Indeed, the word "Kuja" had been carved into the chair several times.

"This is your handiwork!" Sephiroth snapped.

"So? Her name is still there!"

Sephiroth shrugged and sat back down. He rested his sword across his lap. "I'll get up when she comes back."

"Hopefully it'll be soon."


"Is that the door?"

"Yes," Hojo sighed.

"Cool! I can finally see the door!"




"Go fish."

"Any nines?"

"Meow, go fish."

"You just asked for a nine your last turn!"


"You're cheating!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"




Kuja sighed as the line slowly crept forward.

"I hope I'm not missing anything interesting."





Kefka made a face. "Um..."

"Come on, Kefka!"

"I can't think of a bird that starts with 'n'!" Kefka shouted.

"Oh, try harder!" Meow x17 hissed.

"Umm... umm... oh! Ooooh! I know! I know!" Kefka wiggled gleefully in his seat.

"Then get on with it, you're holding up the game!" Sephiroth growled.





Finally, after an exceedingly long amount of time, Kuja made it to the bathroom.

"Not the cleanest facility in existence," Kuja muttered as he passed through the door. "But then, this is hell."

His tail twitched anxiously as he started for the toilet.

"Enough talking, tail, I've gotta go!"


"I'm bored," Meow x17 sighed.

"I miss Kuja," Kefka sighed, leaning on his elbows.

"Me too," Sephiroth sighed.

"I wonder if she's gotten to the bathroom yet," Kefka said. He was drawing in his little notebook. Most of the page was covered in little evil symbols, but the occasional heart, flower, or chocobo was visible around the corners.

"She's been gone an awful long time," Sephiroth said.

"Not that long," Meow x17 muttered as he gnawed on the edge of the table.

Sephiroth was about to respond when a long, shrill scream cut through the din of the Villain's hall. For a very brief, teeny-tiny fraction of a millisecond the room fell silent, before quickly snapping back to its previous noise level.

"That was odd," Meow x17 said.

"That sounded like Kuja!" Kefka said in a giddy tone. "Maybe she needs help!"

"Like you could really help her," Sephiroth scoffed.

"And you can?"

"I have a sword!"

"I'm going to shove that sword where the sun don't shine!" Kefka shouted, rising from his seat.

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!!" Kefka pointed at Sephiroth, then turned away quickly. "After I get back from seeing what the screaming was about."


"I'll turn you into one if you don't can it!" Kefka growled as he stalked off toward the other side of the room.

They looked at Kefka's chair. Into the seat were carved the words. "KEFKA'S CHAIR. SIT HERE AND BE SAT UPON!!!"

"I don't think we have to worry about saving his seat," Meow x17 sighed. Sephiroth shrugged.


Kefka made his way through the line of people waiting to go to the bathroom.

"Someone find out what the hold-up is!" a pissy looking sorceress shouted.

"I'm on my way to find out what the problem is!" Kefka called as he hopped over the dozing form of a Yan. He was hoping to find Kuja in the line, but the violet-haired villain was not in sight.

And then he heard it. A low, persistent wail eminating from the bathroom.

"That sounds like Kuja!" Kefka giggled as he wove around a few more people and neared the door.

The bathroom door was closed, but the sound from within persisted as Kefka stood outside with an amused look on his face.

"Kuja dear, are you decent?" he called with a giggle. There was the sound of something moving behind the door.

"I'll never be decent again!" Kuja said in a pitious tone.

"Uwee hee hee, don't be silly, Kuja!" Kefka hopped in place a few times. "Now come out of there right now! Other people and monsters need to use the bathroom too!"

"I can't!"

"You get out of there right now or I'll come in there and drag you out by your tail!" Kefka paused, then grinned. "On second thought, stay in there!"

"Leave me alone!" Kuja wailed.

"Can't!" Kefka giggled and forced the door open a crack. He waited for a moment, hoping for some sort of retaliation from Kuja, but none came. Kefka hummed and nosed his way into the bathroom.

Kuja was sitting on the grimy floor, knees drawn up to his chest. He had his arms wrapped around his knees.

"Oh, Kuja, wassamatta?" Kefka giggled, hands clasped together.

"Leave me alone!" Kuja said in a whiny voice.

"Hurry up in there!" voices shouted from outside the door.

"Cram it!" Kefka shouted over his shoulder. He turned back and looked at Kuja with a sadistically sweet smile. "Now tell me what's wrong!"

Kuja shook his head.

Kefka scowled.

"Tell me or I'll rip your tail off!"

Kuja shuddered, then let out another annoying wail.

"I'm a girl!!"

Kefka blinked. "I thought we'd already cleared that up, Kuja!"

"No, I'm not supposed to be a girl!!" Kuja got to his-ur-her feet, tail twitching angrily. "I'm supposed to be a guy! A man! El seņior Kuja! Kuja-kun! Not a girl!!"

Kefka blinked at Kuja again. "So what are you trying to say?"

Kuja's left eye twitched. "I was a guy. But now I'm a girl."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure!!"

"Maybe you hit your head on the sink?" Kefka suggested, wrapping an arm around Kuja's waist and leading her from the bathroom. A faint cheer came from the line.

"I didn't hit my head on the sink!" Kuja insisted as they exited the hall. "And get your hand off my butt!"

"Aw, but I saved you from being tortured by the people waiting in line!"

Kuja glowered. "You are torture enough for me, Kefka."

"Uwee! That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!"

Kuja sighed heavily. "Get your hand off my butt!"

Kefka grinned as they wove around tables. "Make me!"

Kuja curled her tail around Kefka's arm and tried to pull it away. "Kefka!"


They neared the table. "How many drinks did you have while I was gone?"

Kefka arched a brow. "Two."

"It really does make you weird," Kuja sighed.

"Hey, Miss Kuja, Freaky Clown Man, what took you so long?" Sephiroth wondered in greeting as they reached the table.

"Kuja was coming to terms with her femininity," Kefka said with a wink. Sephiroth snickered. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Your hand is on Kuja's butt!" Sephiroth hissed, getting up from Kuja's seat. "...those must have been some terms!"

Kuja glowered, sitting heavily in the chair.

"This really is hell!"


end chapter 4