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Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a proper retort from my chocobo. He likes to cast Meteo on people, not sure why.) And, on another note, thanks to everyone reviewing the newer chapters. The more you review, the more I feel like writing. ^^;

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 33: My Boyfriend's Back

"No, I think we mostly just used them for transport."

"No racing?"


"No convoluted breeding programs related to side quests?"


"Damn," Sephiroth slouched back in his seat. "Well, your world needs to learn how to make better use of its chocobos."

"It's not my fault," Kefka snorted. "I wasn't too fond of the birds myself."

"What, were you attacked by one when you were little?"


Sephiroth snickered.

"Oh, shaddup, like you were never attacked by chocobos!"

"Can't say that I remember that."

"Maybe it's a repressed memory."

The bishie sweatdropped. "Keep trying, little man."

Kefka grumbled to himself. "I blew up a few though."

"Blew up? As in...blow up dolls?"


"Eeew, Kefka, you pervert. You could at least stick with human blow up dolls."

"So are you calling yourself a blow-up doll?"



"I hate you."

"Feeling's mutual, sword boy," Kefka said, sighing heavily.

"You guys are really redundant," the Gimme Cat said from his seat.


"You've had that same conversation, word for word, eight times already."

Sephiroth blinked. "....really?"

"Uh huh."

"That's what you get for listening, fuzzball," Kefka sneered.

"Oh, trust me, I'd be listening to something more stimulating if I could."


There was a long, silent pause.


"I miss Kuja."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hell, I'm even starting to miss the cross-dressing bitch," Meow x17 sighed.

"Be mindful of who you're calling a bitch, fuzzy."

It took a moment before the voice registered. Kefka looked up, and Sephiroth turned in his chair.


He smoothly sidestepped away from Kefka's flying glomp. The blonde grunted as he hit the floor face first, then settled for latching himself onto Kuja's leg. Kefka's nose squeaked against the boot leather.

"Dooolllll! You're back!"

"Indeed, I am." He brushed his skirt aside, looking down at Kefka, his features almost disturbingly serene.

Kefka peeked up. "You're not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad," he smiled thinly.

"You're awfully calm," Meow x17 said. "You still drugged?"

"Don't be silly," Kuja said. "They wouldn't let me out if I still had to be drugged."

"No more Flare-ing?"

"No more than before."

Sephiroth perked. "Does this mean I can drink again?"

Kuja blinked in surprise. "Who said you couldn't drink?" Sephiroth pointed at Kefka. "Tsk, tsk. You're more entertaining when you're drunk."

"...I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not."

"Me neither."

Kefka was off in his own little world. "Uwee hee hee, you came baaaack."

They sweatdropped.

"Um, your voice sounds the same," Sephiroth noted.

"Yeah, but that's okay."

"Is it?"

"Well, I'd be worried if I sounded more manly now than I did before I was a woman," Kuja smirked.

"....uh, that's true," Sephiroth said, blushing lightly. Kuja looked at him for a moment, then glanced away, clearing his throat.

"Um, Kefka?"




"Get off my leg."


"Get. Off. My. Leg. Now. I'm tired and I want to sit down."

"Uwee..." Kefka reluctantly released his grip and scrambled back to his own seat.

"Honestly, I think Ansem was a bad influence on you," Sephiroth said.

Kuja cocked his head as he sat down. "Ansem?"

"Small annoying thing," Meow x17 said.

"Sephiroth's sooooon!" Kefka giggled.


"He wasn't!" Sephiroth flailed.

"He called him 'Momma'," Kefka said. Kuja arched a brow.

"Now, now, first I'm a woman, and now you--"

"Don't you start in on that!" Sephiroth buried his face in his hands.

Kuja smirked. "You'd be a scary woman."

"No scarier than you."

"Uwee hee..." Kefka peered a bit of bare skin on Kuja's right leg. "So... still a guy?"


"Care to show us again?"




"Pretty please?" Kefka batted his eyelashes. "With a cherry on top?"

Kuja pressed his (recently manicured) nails on the tabletop. "Say, Kefka, how do we know that you're really a guy?"


"He's really a guy," Sephiroth said. "I'll vouch for him."


"And I'll vouch for Sephiroth, uwee hee!"

He glanced between them. "Did I miss something while I was gone, boys?"

Kefka blushed darkly. " see..."

"Kefka was the bottom."

"Shut up, Sephiroth!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, but not while you were gone."

"Hmm, how intruiging..."

"I think you need a drink, Sephiroth," Kefka hissed. He waved an arm in the air. "Waitress!"

"Oh, no no, I want to hear this," Kuja grinned.


"Well, you see, it was before you came here..." Sephiroth tapped his sword on the table, looking nostalgic.

"Sephiroth, shut up or I'm going to think up something drastic to threaten you with!"

"You're losing your touch, blondie."

"At least I had one!" Kefka turned on the waitress as she arrived. "Get something that will shut him up as quickly as possible!"

"Well, we've got lots of things that'll do that. You want to see the list?"


Kuja looked back at Sephiroth, who in turn was casting an evilly pleased look at Kefka. "Do go on."

"Well, you see.... we hated each other."

"Some things don't change."

"Quite. But please don't interrupt, my train of thought is running very short--" he held his thumb and middle fingers about an inch apart, "--these days. Lack of drinking, you see..."


"So, as I said. We hated each other. It was a few years after I'd been released from Hell's Bells. And I had come to the Villains Room, as I was instructed, and looked around for a seat. But there weren't any, except for at this table in the back. And so I sat there, because the lady at the table said it was okay. Well, she's just a living statuette monster thingy, so she didn't really say anything, but I knew she said it was okay, so I sat down, and--"

"You're rambling."

"Sorry. So, I sat there and minded my time. This was before Meow x17 showed up, so there wasn't really anyone to talk to... Where was I...oh, yes, so I sit there for awhile, until this blonde freak--" He pointed over to Kefka, who was in the middle of trying not to strangle their waitress, "--shows up, and starts yelling at me and wanting to know what the hell I'm doing sitting at his table."

"Understandable, I suppose."

"And I said that the statue lady said it was okay, and Kefka shrieks that that's nonsense, because the seat is saved for someone special. But he doesn't know whooo, just that it's not for me. The ass."

"Sounds like Kefka."

"Mm. So he keeps yelling at me for like, days. And finally I got fed up, and I knocked him onto the table. And...uh...well, let's just say that I made up for the repressed feelings that had built up while I was in the crazy-ward."

"You mean you--"

"Hey, I had to shut him up somehow," Sephiroth waved his hands defensively. "He was making a scene!"

"I don't see how...doing that...would shut him up."

"You'd be surprised. It did, for awhile at least."

Kuja looked at the table, his nose curling a bit. "On this table?"

"Well, not this table, the Cat's eaten his way through several since then."

"You know what I mean."

"Well...." Sephiroth batted at a few stray silver hairs. "Yeah, here, the first time at least."

"The first time?"

"Don't tell her--him--Kuja--about anything else!" Kefka shouted, nearly diving at him across the table.

"He was always the bottom," Sephiroth said lowly.

"I'd have never had guessed." He turned, looking at the irate blonde. "So, was he any good?"

Kefka flopped back in his chair, looking aghast. "K-Kuja! Don't ask horrible things like that!"

"He liked it," Sephiroth whispered.

"I did not!" Kefka flailed.

"I'm having a hard time imagining him being quiet, though."

"Aside from the occasional giggle and moan and 'uwee', yes, comparably quite quiet."

"Shut up, Sephiroth!"

"Are you sure it wasn't some other crazed blonde?" Kuja smirked.

"It could have been, but I've never met any quite so short."

"I'm not short!...or that short!"

"Or loudmouthed. Or with the creepy laugh."

"Iiiiinteresting." Kuja leaned on his elbow, glancing at Kefka. Flustered, Kefka adjusted his ponytail.

"You seem too interested in this....matter...doll. What team did you bat for when you were alive, anyways?"

Kuja's smirk slowly spread into an offhand grin. "I didn't just play, I owned the field."

"Uwee, what's that supposed to mean?"

"I'll leave it to your imagination."

"Tell us, pleeeease," Kefka whined.

"I'm afraid if I explained it, I'd have to kill you."

"We're already dead!" Everyone at the table shouted. A blush tinged Kuja's cheeks.

"That's a story for some other time, boys," he said, smiling again. Kuja took the Bloody Moogle that a second waitress brought to the table. "But....Thank you for a wonderful welcoming home."


end chapter 33