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Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (All flames shall be met with a proper retort from my chocobo. He likes to cast Meteo on people, not sure why.)

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 32: Son of Darkness

Sephiroth sat, squinting at the latest newspaper. Or its remains. Meow x17 had been hungry after he returned from visiting his parents (a stress relieving adventure he'd set himself on while the boys were visiting the loony bin--don't worry, the table had been protected by a rather impressive hairball), and had helped himself to most of the headlines.

Sephiroth sighed, turning the page over. He was looking at the home and gardening section of the paper for the eight time that day. "Stupid fuzzbucket, you might as well have eaten the whole damn thing."

"Hey, I was gone a long time, y'know. And they don't get papers down where my folks work, nya." The Gimme Cat peered up over the edge of the table. "Why don't you find some other way to entertain yourself?"

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Get a job."

Kefka sneered from the other side of the table, but said nothing.

"A job? I couldn't get a job!" Sephiroth wailed, looking from the article on the proper usage of pumice stones as oranamental landscaping to the Gimme Cat and back.

"Funny, I was under the impression that any unbottled humanoid soul could get a job," Meow x17 said.

"But I wouldn't know what kind of job." The bishie petted his sword, pouting.

"Umm..." the Cat looked at a few scattered remains of paper. "Maybe something in landscaping? Or you could be a go-for...or a sex slave..."


"Why not go for something less challenging?" Kefka smirked.

"Such as?"

"How about a doorstop, for starters."

Sephiroth cringed and shook his head. "I think that'd hurt."

"That's the whole point, you ninny."

Sephiroth humphed, and flopped back in his seat. "Bored."

"I could always knock you out again."

"That doesn't work long enough. Are you sure that I can't have a drink?"

"I'm very sure, quit asking," Kefka said. He looked down at the table, blonde hair tumbling down his back in a mess. For reasons unknown, he was cleaning the beads on his rather ornate hair clip. "I told you, Sephiroth. No drinking until Kuja comes back."

"But what if--"

"Don't worry about it," came the snapped reply. Sephiroth pouted again.

"This sucks."

"It does, uwee hee," Kefka smirked. "Being in your presence makes me want to own a bottle of tequila. But you remember last time, yes? Uwee hee hee..." He coughed. "Well, I think we would've had better success talking to Kuja-doll if you hadn't spent the whole conversation PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR!!"

Sephiroth winced, earning a sudden cackle from the blonde.

"You pathetic sod," Kefka said, picking up his hair clip. "You're no better off than the first time I saw you. You aught to be the one back in Hell's Bells, and not Kuja!"

"Shut up! You take that back!" Sephiroth half-stood, leaning partially over the table to yell. Kefka grinned, baring his fangs.

"Make me."

Sephiroth lurched forward, nearly falling over the table. "You're damned right I'll make you! I'll--" He jerked to a sudden stop, feeling a sharp pull on his coat. "What the hell?"

Kefka looked somewhat disappointed as Sephiroth turned and righted himself. "Bugger."

The bishounen looked down, and his gaze met a smaller orange-eyed stare. The hand clutching his coat belonged to what looked like a seven-year old boy. An odd looking one, though. He had darkly tanned skin and white hair that flowed down past his shoulders. The boy was wearing a black and white trenchcoat.


The child's face lit up, and Sephiroth cringed, as the look was reminiscent of the over-enthuiastic look Kefka tended to get after a few Bloody Moogles.


Sephiroth blinked. "Say what?"

The boy glomped Sephiroth's arm, nearly pulling him to the floor. "Momma! Found you!"

The bishie blushed darkly as Kefka started laughing. Sephiroth pried the boy off his arm.

"Excuse me, there, but did you get dropped on your head or something? I'm not your Momma."

"Uwee hee hee hee haa...Momma!"

"Shut up, Kefka!"

"But...but..." The boy looked up at Sephiroth with a pitiful gaze. "I've been looking for you since I got here, Momma..."



"...Ansem. I'm not your Momma. I can't be your Momma."

Little Ansem bit his lip. "Why not?"

"Because I'm a guy."

"Are you sure?"

"Uwee hee, yeah, are you sure?"

"You should be able to remember that much, you dolt," Sephiroth snapped at the blonde. Kefka shrugged, still giggling. "Yes, Ansem, I'm quite sure that I'm a guy."

Ansem seemed to consider this. "But...they said I was supposed to find you..."

"They who?" Meow x17 piped up from his seat. Ansem looked over at him, his face lighting up again. He darted around Sephiroth, pouncing on the Gimme Cat.


"Ack! Lemme go! Ow!" Meow x17 flailed as he was squeezed by the chibi Ansem.

Kefka cocked his head, scratching his nose thoughtfully as he watched. "You know, I can see the resemblence."

"Shut up, Kefka."

"I mean, the bad dress sense, the stupid look, the--"

"Shut up, Kefka."

"And who knows, if Kuja was a girl, then maybe--OW!!" Kefka rubbed his forehead.

"You leave Kuja out of this!" Sephiroth hissed, waving the Masamune in Kefka's face.

"Who's Kuja?" Ansem wondered, a limp Cat dangling from his arms.

"Oh, sh-he'" Sephiroth sat back in his seat. Ansem followed the movement, flopping into Meow x17's chair.

"Kuja is our reason for living!" Kefka said, shaking his hair clip enthusiastically.

"You're dead," Ansem said.

"Doesn't matter, uwee hee! He's...perfect."

"Perfectly crazy."

"Uwee...." Kefka nodded, pulling his hair back into a ponytail. "We all have our faults, but Kuja's faults are still quite... exquisite."

Ansem stared, then blinked and looked at Sephiroth. "Is he always this creepy, Momma?"

"Yes. It's part of his....charm."

"I'm charming!" Kefka giggled, twisting the clip back into place. "Uwee hee hee!"

"But try not to encourage him too much, or he'll go on like that for days."


Meow x17 gurgled. "Lemme gooooo."

"Nooo, kitty is so soft and fuzzy!"

"I'm not fuzzy!"

"Funny, you used to say the same thing about me," Kefka grinned.

"Shut up." Sephiroth sighed. "Now, Ansem, please tell me, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, Momma, I told you that!"

"I know, I know, but...uh...who told you that I was your Momma?"

"They did."

"They who?"

"They," Ansem said, wiggling his fingers. Meow x17 took the opportunity to slip free. He scrambled across the table and leapt at Kefka, hiding under his cloak.

"Ow, claws!"

Sephiroth sighed again, rubbing his forehead. "They who, Ansem?"

"Um...." he looked at the table. "...I forgot?"

"That's rather convenient," Sephiroth said, looking doubtful.


"Uwee hee, maybe the brain snatching monsters came and ate that little memory..." He trailed off as Sephiroth and Ansem turned and stared at him. "...what?"

"It wasn't the brain snatchers," chibi Ansem said matter-of-factly, "It was the...the...DARKNESS!" He balled up a little fist and shook it gleefully.

"The...darkness?" Kefka scratched his nose, "I don't think I've heard of them before."

"It's quite wonderful." Ansem twirled a lock of white hair around his pinky. "Yes...Everything shall be returned to DARKNESS!"

"I wonder what this darkness thing is," Sephiroth said, inching away from Ansem.

"It's pretty dark under here," Meow x17 said, a paw sticking out from under Kefka's cloak.

"I don't think that's what he means."

"Or maybe, like, the darkness under your bed?" Kefka suggested.

"What bed?"

" point." Kefka waved his hand. "Forget I said that."

The bishie sighed again. "That would be easier if you'd let me drink."

"I'm thirsty!" Ansem piped up. "I need a glass of water...of DARKNESS!"

"I almost think I saw that one coming."

"Uwee, indeed."

"I don't see what's so great about the darkness," Sephiroth leaned back in his chair. "When it's too dark you can't see, and then you stub your toe on the guncase."

"Only a complete moron would do that."

"Shut up! It was really dark!"

"Uwee hee, poor baby."

"Shut uuuup," Sephiroth crossed his arms. Ansem giggled.

"Momma's silly."

"Momma's gonna introduce your forehead to the blunt end of my sword if you don't go away," Sephiroth grumbled.

"Oooh, sassy," Kefka quipped. "You're not setting a very good example for your little boooy, Sephy-Momma."

"Augh! Will you all just--" Sephiroth froze in mid-tirade. "--wait, Ansem, tell me something."

"Yes, Momma?"

"If I'm your Momma, which I'm not....then who's your...ur....Daddy?"


"You do know, don't you?" he leaned toward the table. "I mean, didn't they tell you?"

"Umm...." Ansem bit his lip, looking perplexed.

"That would be awful of them not to tell you."


"Darkness isn't an answer, squirt."


"Ansem! Ansem!" A raspy voice sounded behind the table. "There he is!"

"Eep!" Ansem dropped off his chair, trying to hide under the table. "Hide me!"

"What?" Sephiroth blinked, looking behind him.

"Oooh, Hell's Bells guards," Kefka said.

"Don't let them take me back!" chibi Ansem wailed.

"You escaped from the asylum?" Sephiroth peered under the table.

Ansem sniffed. "Yeah."

"Anseeeem..." One of the demon guards appeared behind Sephiroth. "You've been a very bad boy."

"What did he do?" Kefka wondered.

"Well, let's just say that he didn't die at that age. Whoever thought that he'd be less of a menace as a little kid needs to have their liscence revoked." The guard sighed, shaking his head. "We've been looking for him for three days. He keeps sneaking out somehow. Hopefully he'll grow up soon."

"I don't wanna!" Ansem hissed from under the table. "Go away!"

"Now, now, if you behave, you can have all the darkness you want."


"Uh huh."

"Well...." Ansem peeked out from under the table, and was quickly snatched up by the guard. "Aaah! Momma, help meeee!" He flailed as the guard tucked him under a scaly arm.

"I'm not your Momma, kid," Sephiroth sighed. The guard peered at Sephiroth for a moment.

"I do see the resemblence."

"Uwee hee hee..."

"Don't encourage him!"

"Heh, don't get your panties in a twist," the guard said. "C'mon, Ansem."


Kefka and Sephiroth watched as the guard stalked off to the exit.

"That wasn't very motherly of you," Kefka said.

"Cram it."

"I mean, leaving your child to be dragged off--OW!"

"Hey, leave me out of this!" Meow x17 scrambled out from under Kefka's cloak and jumped back to his chair before Sephiroth continued whacking the blonde with his sword.

"Ow! Hey-ow! I'm telling!"


end chapter 32