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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. (I am evil, and Kuja's situation is only going to get worse. Much worse.)

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 3: Gimme a Diamond

"I'm taller, I should be able to get her a drink!"

"At least I had a full set of wings!"

"Shut up! Don't start bringing that up again!"

Kuja sighed, doing his best to ignore Kefka and Sephiroth. "Your story?"

Meow x17 hopped up onto the table, his nails digging into the already-grafitti-covered surface. "Yes! Mine is a noble tale..."

"Then what are you doing down here?"

"I'm a monster," Meow x17 sneered. "No matter how nice and cute I might try to be, I'm still screwed."


"Anyhow," Meow x17 paused as another drink was set in front of Kuja. "I lived on a little island in the Salvage Islands on Gaia. I had a lot of family there, and we all lived amongst the Grand Dragons that had kinda claimed the area as their own."

"Did you get eaten by one?" Kuja asked hopefully.

"No," Meow x17 glowered. "I wish I had been that lucky."

"What happened?"

"Well, for a long time nothing happened. Then one day this boat pulled up on the island, and four people jumped off." Meow x17 pointed at Kuja's tail. "One of them had a tail, like yours."

Kuja bristled. "Did they?"

"Just one," Meow x17 shook his head. "A blonde kid."

Kuja scowled and began to empty his current glass.

"He had some brunnette chick with him, and a rat chick, and this little guy with a pointy hat," Meow x17 said, watching Kuja's eyebrow twitch. "Something wrong?"

"N-not really," Kuja said, eyebrow still twitching once in a while. "The blonde kid was"

"Didn't like him?"

Kuja slammed the glass back on the table, forcing a crack up its side. "Who the hell do you think killed me?"

Meow x17 snickered. "Done in by your own brother? What luck."

"Well, he didn't really kill me," Kuja said, slumping back into his chair and sulking. "But he was partially responsible."

"Poor guy." Meow x17 lapped up some of the spilled liquor. "So these kids ran around my island, and the other surrounding islands. It was the oddest thing."

"How's that?"

"Well, they would attack the Grand Dragons, but run away from the Gimme Cats."

Kuja snickered. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"No! We thought it was fine. Once one of the Grand Dragons tried to eat the little kid with the pointy hat. Woulda got away with it too, except the blonde kid freaked out and killed the dragon."

"He tranced," Kuja grumbled, wiping his fingers off on his skirt.

"Whatever you want to call it. For a long time, whenever the kids ran across a Cat, they usually ran away." Meow x17 sat back on his haunches, looking wistful. "But then, one day they ran across me."

"What did you do?"

"What all Gimme Cats do when approached!" Meow x17 said.

Kuja blinked cluelessly. "What's that?"

"I asked for a diamond," Meow x17 grinned. Kuja rolled his eyes. "Hey, you do your thing, we do ours!"

"Hey, look!" Kefka cried. Sephiroth had him in a headlock. "Kuja needs another drink!"

"I'm getting it!"


Both villains called at the same time. "WAITRESS!!"

Kuja cringed. "So they didn't want to give you a diamond."

"Nope. They never do. But I thought I was safe. They'd always run away before." Meow x17 sighed heavily. "But that day! That day! They attacked me! I tried to fight back, but it was no good."

"Creamed you, eh?"

"The little pointy hat kid cast Flare on me!" Meow x17 hissed angrily. "I didn't stand a chance." The Cat flattened out on the table. "I was toast."

"Poor kitty," Kuja said sarcastically.

"Like your story is any better!" Meow x17 got back to his feet and hopped back down into his chair.

"I bet it is!" Kuja said.

There was a loud cracking noise behind them. Kuja turned in time to see Sephiroth hit the floor, unconscious.

"Kefka, what did you do?!"

"I knocked him out, obviously!" Kefka grinned. "Mwe heh!" He gave Sephiroth a kick before sitting back down.

"I won't ask how," Kuja sighed. The waitress arrived again, and set two drinks in front of Kuja. "Two now?"

"They both ordered you one," the waitress shrugged. She stepped over Sephiroth and departed.

"Drink mine first!" Kefka giggled.

"There's a difference?"

"Yes!" Kefka nodded vigorously. "Mine's better!"

Kuja looked at the identical drinks. "Then tell me, which is yours?"

"The better one!"

"How am I supposed to know which one is the better one if they're exactly the same?!"

Kefka narrowed his eyes. "They can't be the same because one is better!"

"Ooh, a lover's spat," Meow x17 snickered.

"Shut up!" Kuja shrieked. He snarled briefly at Kefka, then downed both drinks in quick succession.

Kefka looked at Kuja exceptantly.


Kuja looked between the two glasses for a moment. Eventually he nudged the left one toward Kefka.

"That one was yours."

Kefka giggled gleefully and drew the empty glass between his narrow fingers. Kuja looked at him suspiciously.

"What are you doing with that?"

"Nothing..." Kefka hid the glass behind his hands.

"You're a sicko," Kuja sighed.

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja sighed again. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

Sephiroth groaned on the floor behind them.

"What the hell?" he attempted to get up, until Kefka smashed the empty glass against his forehead. Sephiroth slumped back down to the floor.

"What did you do that for?!" Kuja wondered in a shrill voice that was quickly becoming his normal questioning tone. A disgruntled looking woman in a maid's outfit came by. Her nametag read "Elena". She brushed the glass off of Sephiroth's forehead and into a little dustpan, then continued on her merry way.

"He's better off on the floor," Kefka sneered down at the motionless black and silver form. Kuja sighed, leaning on the table. His stomach growled.

"Are there snack machines in hell?" Kuja said idly as he felt a pang in his gut. Drinking all that alcohol on an empty stomach probably wasn't such a good idea. The last time he'd eaten was just a few hours before he had faced Zidane and his friends. That could have been days or years ago, he wasn't sure anymore.

"No..." Kefka was pouting, looking down at the table.

The more Kuja thought about it, the hungrier he felt. Even the damn statue sitting across from Kefka looked slightly appetizing.

"There is food in hell, isn't there?"

Kefka shook his head slowly.

"What, we're just supposed to drink until we get sick?!"

A nod.

Kuja sighed, propping his chin up on his hand again. "This sucks."

"It's hell," Meow x17 said pointedly. "If you're really hungry, you can try gnawing on the table. It works for me."

Kuja made a face, noticing that there was indeed a piece of the table on the Cat's side missing. "I'm not that hungry!"


Kuja grumbled to himself. Glancing at Kefka, he noticed that the man was still pouting down at the table. "What's your problem?"

"You snapped at me," Kefka said, his voice slightly whiny.

"You're lucky I don't snap you physically," Kuja growled.

"There you go doing it again!"

"Why do you care if I snap at you?!"

"I'm just trying to be nice to you, and you keep being mean!"

"I thought that was foreplay for you," Meow x17 snickered. He dodged the other glass as it was thrown at him.

"It may be, but not when the other person is being such a bitch!"

Kuja rose out of his seat, gripping the tabletop tightly. "A what?!"

"You heard me!!"

"I'm hoping I didn't!"

"I'm pretty sure you did, you bitch!" Kefka grinned triumphantly at Kuja. The other man flushed heavily.


"You-you-you whaaaat?" Kefka put his hands on his hips. Kuja opened his mouth to retort, but remained silent as his eyes opened wide. He sat down quickly, drawing his knees together.

"I need to go the bathroom!" Kuja hissed loudly.

The malevolent look left Kefka's face, and he giggled gleefully. "Oooh, I'll go with you!"

"No you won't!"

"Oh, yes I will!" Kefka said, grabbing Kuja by the arm and pull him from his chair. "I'm gonna find out what else is under your skirt other than that tail!"

Kuja's eyes bugged wide, and he tried to tug his arm free. "N-No!"

"Oh, come on!"

"No!" Kuja managed to break free from Kefka's grip. "I can manage just fine by myself!"

"But Kuja!" Kefka whined.


"Fine." Kefka harumphed and sat down heavily. "I'll go with you next time."

Kuja sighed heavily. "I will avoid drinking for the rest of eternity to prevent that from happening."

"Bet you won't," Kefka grinned. Kuja palmed his forehead with another heavy sigh.

"Where is the bathroom, anyways?"

"Ours is over in that corner. You go down the hall that's behind that red door."

Kuja looked to where Kefka was pointing. "Right..."

Kefka and Meow x17 watched as Kuja started for the bathroom. "We'll hold your seat for you!"

"Like anyone is dumb enough to want it..."


end chapter 3