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Disclaimers and Notes: You know the drill. Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. The story and any characters that I create belong to me. Mmyup. Many thanks go out to Punk Zell Dincht for helping me with some of the ideas for this chapter. And if she says she doesn't deserve any thanks, you have to ignore her, 'cause I said so. ^_^

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 27: Romance for Dummies

Sephiroth sat at the table. He glared at the two still-empty chairs, and then to the Gimme Cat who was busy gnawing on his side of the table. And then back to the empty chairs.

“Stupid letch…” Sephiroth grumbled, tapping his sword on the edge of the table.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than sit there and bitch?” Meow x17 paused in his gnawing.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than eat our table?” the bishounen responded.

"You're just bitter 'cause you lost," the Cat smirked. Sephiroth glared at him.

"What do you mean, I lost?"

"She took Kefka along instead of you," Meow x17 said matter-of-factly.

"So? That doesn't mean anything."

"I think you know what it means."

A pause.

"Shut up!"

"Run out of comebacks, eh?"

Sephiroth glared again, and continued to grumble.

The Cat picked his teeth. "Now what?"

"She can't really like him, can she?"

"Face it, your fabulous looks and big-ass sword were not enough to win her over."

Sephiroth pouted. "Prove it."

"What proof do you need?!"

The bishounen growled. "Prove it, or I shall continue to whine!"

Meow x17 wiggled his wings. "You'll whine either way."


"Alright, you want proof?"

Sephiroth nodded.

"Shall we review things? First, Kefka. He obviously likes Kuja, just like you do."

"Well, duh, that's the issue here."

"Can it! I'm reviewing! Kefka has put a whole lot more effort into this whole chasing Kuja thing than you have."

"I didn't think I needed to," Sephiroth said. "Kefka usually doesn't count as competition in these things."

"Pheh. And as for Kuja... she's stayed here at this table, for one thing. And she somehow manages to tolerate all the stupid lecherous things that Kefka does on an hourly basis..."

"Anyone could do that."

"Doubtful. You know she's been the first to stay." Meow x17 chewed on a claw. "And she's a lot more physical in her dealings with him than with you."

"Say what?!"

"It's true. She beats the snot out of him, but you just get your hair pulled and water dumped on your head."

"Wouldn't that mean the opposite then?"

"Not when you're dealing with the fine art of flirting."

"It's not an art."

"That's what you say, but Kefka's the one who got the girl."

"He did not!" Sephiroth growled.

"Oh come on! She took him with her and not you. And they've been gone for ages."

He glowered at the empty chairs. "I'm going to kick his ass when they get back."

"That might incur the wrath of his girlfriend," Meow x17 said mockingly.

Sephiroth shook his head hard. "Don't even suggest that term!" He held his forehead.

"She's even met his mother," Meow x17 added thoughtfully. "And if what he told me is true, Kuja even told his mother than she was volunarily let him hit on her and stuff."

"Lies!" Sephiroth sputtered, still holding his head.

"It's no lies, and you know it!" the Cat hissed.

"Listen, just because you--" Sephiroth stopped in mid-rant as Kefka arrived at the table. He was carefully carrying a dozing Kuja. "Speak of the devil."

Kefka gave the bishounen the briefest of glances, then continued with his task. He attempted to sit Kuja down in her chair, but this proved difficult since she had a death-grip on his collar.

"Hey, so you guys actually decided to come back," Meow x17 snickered as he peered up over the edge of the table. Kefka smiled thinly.

"Not like we had a choice, eh?" He restorted to sitting in his own seat, still holding Kuja.

Sephiroth looked at the dozing woman, who was a bit paler than usual. Her last trance had apparently used up more energy than normal, mainly because she had had to force it out of her system.

"Why is she so pale?" Sephiroth hissed at Kefka. "And why is she asleep? And why are you carrying her?!"

"She was just doing her job; she's tired from doing her job; there was no one else to carry her back."

Sephiroth blinked, not having expected such a systematic set of answers from the man.

"Well, what did you do to her anyways?!"

"That's for me to know, and you to bitch about," Kefka said with a sneer.

"You pervert! You probably groped her all the way back here, didn't you?!"

"Even if I did, it's none of your business!" Kefka shot back. Kuja murmured in her sleep.

"Why don't you put her down already?"

"I can't!" he motioned to where Kuja's fingers were curled tightly around the red and yellow silk at Kefka's neck. Sephiroth frowned.

"Hopefully she'll knock some sense into you when she wakes up," he grumbled.

"You want me to do what?" Kuja's voice trailed up, thick with sleep. She cracked an eye open just enough so that a line of white and blue was visible.

"Knock some sense into Kefka," Sephiroth said slowly. She blinked at him a few times, taking a moment to register his identity.

"Mmm, we're back?" she murmured, shifting a bit. "And...what'd Kefka do this time?"

"I suspect that he groped you," the bishounen said with a growl.

There was a long pause, punctuated by a faint giggle from Kefka.

Kuja's eyes popped fully open, and she looked up at the blonde. He giggled again and grinned.

"Good morning, Kuja-doll, uwee hee!"

She sweatdropped. "Kefka, why didn't you put me in my own chair?!"

"Well, for one thing, I couldn't," he said, indicating her grip on his collar with a tilt of his head.

With a blush she released her grip. "Is there another reason..." She paused, brushing the wrinkle from his collar. "...that I should know about?"

"Uwee hee, well... that, and you looked awfully comfortable right where you were!" A blushed tinted his pale cheeks as he giggled yet again.

She raised her hand in an automatic response to hit him, but stopped.

"Aw, come on!" Sephiroth shouted from the other side of the table. "That clearly deserved a good slap! Maybe two!"

"Maybe so," Kuja said, dropping her hand back down, "but right now I need a drink."

"Excuses, excuses," Sephiroth muttered to himself, slumping back in his own chair.

"Now, put me down, you big lug," she said, looking back up at Kefka. He grinned.

"The lady gets as the lady demands," he said, standing up and depositing her in her own chair. Kefka brushed a few wrinkles from his front before sitting back down.

"You two are pathetic, meow," Meow x17 said as Kuja motioned for the waitress.

"Tell me about it," Sephiroth grumbled.

Kuja whispered to the waitress after she arrived. "Yes, a bloody moogle for me, and..." She whispered the rest of the order into the waitress's ear, gesturing the others at the table. The waitress smiled and nodded, departing.

"You ordered us something?" Meow x17 said doubtfully. Kuja nodded.

"You know giving Kefka alcohol isn't the smartest thing in the world," Sephrioth added. She gave him a brief glare.

"Are you insinuating that I'm stupid?"

"Uh, no!" he shook his head quickly.

"Didn't think so."

"Uwee hee hee..."

Sephiroth glared at Kefka, and the blonde smirked in return. Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Here ya'll go..." the waitress growled as she returned with a tray. She set the bloody moogle in front of Kuja, and a dish of slightly blue tinted cream in front of Meow x17. The Cat wasted no time in hopping on the table and commencing the slurping.

The waitress last set two indentical glasses down on the table, one in front of Kefka, and the other in front of Sephiroth. Each glass contained a clear liquid, and had a lemon wedge stuck on the rim of the glass.

"Oooh, lemon-wedgie!" Kefka giggled, plucking the wedge from the side of the glass. Sephiroth eyed the glass doubtfully, then looked at Kefka. The villain gave the lemon wedge a little lick, and then downed half the contents of the glass. He winced for a moment, then: "Mmm, lemony."

"What is it?" Sephiroth wondered, looking into the glass.

"Drink and see for yourself," Kuja said.

"You might be trying to poison us," Sephiroth said. She laughed.

"Kefka drank it, and he's fine."

"He's drunk drain cleaner before and been fine," the bishounen pointed out.

"Just shut up and try it," Meow x17 paused in his drinking. "Not like it'll kill you or anything."

"True..." Sephiroth watched as Kefka finished his glass and gave a defeated shrug. "Here goes..." Sephiroth took a gulp from the glass, wincing as he swallowed.

"Uwee hee," Kefka hiccupped, playing with his lemon wedge.

"Well?" Kuja sipped her drink.

"Blech!" Sephiroth made a face. "What the hell was that? It tasted horrible!"

Kefka dropped the wedge into his glass. "I know what it was..."

"Hmm?" she cast a curious glance on him.

"What was it?" Sephiroth frowned down at the glass.

"Tap water."

"Ack!" he pushed the glass away. "No wonder it tasted so terrible!"

"Wimp," Kuja said with a smirk.

Kefka stared down at the glass. He fidgeted after a moment.

"Something wrong?" Kuja wondered as she finished her drink.

"N-no..." he shook his head slowly.

"Funny, your eyes are getting a bit buggier than usual, and you're fidgeting," she said slowly.

Kefka flushed. "It's nothing!"

"I betcha he just has to piss," Sephiroth said, glaring down at his glass of water.

"Shut up!"

"That would be it," he smirked.

"Kefka, if you have to go to the bathroom, then why don't you just go?"

Kefka hesitated before responding. "I don't want to leave you alone with Sephiroth for that long!"

"Hey, what about me?" Meow x17 huffed. "I count!"

"Not as a threat, though," Kefka said, glaring at Sephiroth. The silver haired man returned the glare.

"You've hogged her for long enough, let someone else have a turn!"

"Boys!" Kuja shouted. They paused, looking at her. She glared at Sephiroth for a moment, then turned back to Kefka. "If you really feel that strongly about it, I'll stand in line with you."

Kefka blinked rapidly in surprise. "You will?"

She nodded.

"What?!" Sephiroth balked. "You mean you'd rather stand in line with him for who knows how long, instead of sitting here with me?"

All occupants of the table stared at her with interest.

Kuja looked between Sephiroth and Kefka, and then swallowed hard. "Yes."


"Hell..." Sephiroth's sword hit the floor noisily. "This is hell!!"

"Glad you could finally catch up with the rest of us," Kefka said, getting to his feet.

"Oh, just shut up and leave already," Sephiroth grumbled.

"See you two later," Kuja said, getting to her feet.

"Have fun, meow!" Meow x17 called as they walked off to the red bathroom hall door.

Kefka glared over his shoulder at Sephiroth, wrapping a possessive arm around Kuja's waist. She blinked a few times in surprise, a strange feeling of deja-vu overtaking her.

He pushed the door open, leading her through. Kefka cleared his throat as they got in line.

"You know," he said in a low voice, "I kept my promise, sort of."

She blinked again. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"Don't you remember, a long time ago... I said that I'd go with you next time."

"Next time?"

He gestured down the long hall to the bathroom door. "Next time."


"And..." he tilted his head up, whispering in her ear. "I said that I would find out what else you had under your skirt, other than that tail..."

Kuja blushed, glancing down. "That explains the deja-vu."


end chapter 27