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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before. Yup yup.

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 21: Bingo Hell

"So, when do you think Sephiroth's gonna come back?" Meow x17 wondered. He was halfway through eating his dragon drawing.

"I dunno, he seemed pretty freaked out earlier," Kuja smirked.

"And just 'cause we wanted to cut his head off!" Kefka said lightly. "What a wuss."

"He'll probably just come back drunk and threatening you with his sword anyways," Kuja said.

"I'm gonna kick your asssh!"

Kefka looked up at the newly returned Sephiroth. "Boy, you really are smart, Kuja!"

She smirked, turning to look up at Sephiroth. "Back so soon?"

"I'm gonna...gonna..." he paused, scratching the back of his silvery head. "What was I talking about?"

"You invited us to go play bingo," Kefka suggested. Sephiroth blinked.

"Yeah! I love bingo! I'm gonna kick your ass at bingo!" the bishounen cackled drunkenly and waved his sword a bit in Kefka's face.

"I bet you wouldn't even win a game!" Kefka said mockingly.

"Ha! We'll see about that!"

Kefka grinned at Kuja. "You want to come along?"

"To go play bingo?"

He nodded vigorously, giving her a hopeful look.



The (aptly named) Great Bingo Hall of Hell was right next door to the Great Mall of Hell. The trio arrived just as a game was nearly over.

"Oooh, let's sit over there!" Kefka hopped over to a table. Kuja and Sephiroth followed. She ended up being seated between them.

"Just my luck, I'll be attacked from both sides," Kuja said under her breath as they were brought bingo cards. Kefka scooped up some bingo chips from a bowl at the end of the table and deposited them in front of Kuja's card.

"Look, look, look!" Kefka giggled, picking up one of the little red plastic chips.

"It's a bingo chip," she observed, looking at the note on the bowl.

"I know that, but watch!" he gave the chip a little lick and then stuck it squarely on Kuja's forehead. She flushed a bit, angling her eyes up in a vain attempt to see the chip.

"Very funny..." Kuja picked up a chip and copied the motion, sticking it on Kefka's forehead between the two upper slashes of make-up. "Now we match."

"Uwee hee, we match!" Kefka giggled, overly enthused at this prospect.

"You want one too, Sephiroth?" Kuja wondered. The drunk looked at them, arching a silver brought haughtily.

"No, it looks shtupid."

"Aw, but they're good luck!" Kefka giggled.

"I'll do without," Sephiroth snapped at him.

"Hmph, suit yourself," Kefka turned his attentions back to Kuja. "Have you ever played bingo before?"

"No, I don't think so," she shook her head. "We didn't have it on Terra. Or Gaia."

"Oooh, then I'll just get to explain it to you!" he grinned, picking up another bingo chip. "This is a bingo chip. You use it to mark the little squares on this card." He pointed at the bingo card with the chip and set it down on a square as an example.

"Why would I want to do that?" she wondered.

"Well, the object is to get five squares in a row, or whatever the current rules are," Kefka said. "The bingo caller--" He pointed to the demon up at the front of the room. "-- will call out a letter and number, and if you have it on your card you can mark it off."

"So it's all random?"

"Mm-hmm! Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it quick," Kefka grinned. "And I'll help you."

"Thank you," she smiled, picking up a few chips.

Someone down at the front called bingo. After it was confirmed, a new game started.

"Ah, the rules for this one are blackout," Kefka said.

"I can do that," Sephiroth smirked.

"Without the alcohol," Kefka rolled his eyes.

"What's that mean?" Kuja wondered as the caller started calling numbers again.

"It means you have to fill in all the squares on your card to win," he said. Kuja nodded in understanding, looking down at the card. After another number was called, he pointed at her card. "See? I-17. You have that one."

"So I mark it?" Kefka nodded. "Ah... that isn't too hard..."

"Now you just keep listening and checking your numbers," Kefka grinned.

"Is there some sort of prize for winning?" she wondered.

"No, since this is hell," he said. "But I'll give you one if you do happen to win."

"I'll have to keep that in mind," Kuja said, quirking a brow.

"Uwee hee..."

They continued in relative silence for awhile, Kefka occasionally pointing out a number that Kuja had missed, and Sephiroth occasionally muttering to himself about rotten luck.

"What exactly is the draw of this game?" Kuja asked after awhile.

"Ooh, it can be quite addictive," Kefka said, wiggling a chip thoughtfully before setting it down on the card. "Or very frustrating, if you happen to suck at the game like sword-boy."

"How can you be bad at this? It's completely random."

"Bad luck, I suppose," he shrugged with a smirk.

"Why won't they call my numbers?!" Sephiroth hissed at his card.

"Because they hate you!" Kefka said, leaning around Kuja.

"Hey, watch it, you'll bump my card!" Kuja swatted Kefka's arm. He giggled and flopped back into his seat.

"Sorry, Kuja-doll," Kefka looked down and marked another square on his card.

Eventually someone down at the front called Bingo.

Kuja sighed, pouting a bit as she cleared the chips off her card. "I only had a few squares left."

"Don't worry, there's always next time!" Kefka giggled, patting her on the knee.

"Yeah, what's the next game?"

Kefka tilted his head, listening to the caller. "Just the regular 5 in a row."

"I want a new card!" Sephiroth grumbled.

"You can't have a new one!" the demonesse wandering around to check the winners snapped at him.

"Why not?!"

"Because this is hell, that's why!"

Sephiroth sighed heavily, looking back down at his card. "Dammit."

"Be quiet, I can't hear the numbers," Kuja snickered at him. Sephiroth whined something in response.

"I told you to put the bingo chip on your forehead, but would you? Nooooo..." Kefka giggled.

"I'm not putting the damn chip on my forehead!" Sephiroth snapped, glaring at them out of the corner of his eye.


Kefka giggled. Kuja arched a brow.

"Don't even think about it."

"Uwee hee, too late!"

Several more numbers were called before Kuja paused, glancing down suddenly.


He glanced at her, a faint grin on his face. "Hmm?"

"Why is your hand still on my knee?"

He looked down at the table, the grin widening a bit. "I don't see my hand on your knee."

Kuja snorted lightly, shaking her head with a soft laugh. "Well, it had better not try going anywhere else under the table."

He pouted his blood red lips for a moment before grinning again. "O-kaaay..."


"No! Call I-19! 19, dammit!" Sephiroth continued to have a small fit opposite of Kefka.

"He isn't taking this game too well, now is he?" Kuja muffled a laugh.

"He never was one for losing."


"B-2! Come on!"

Kefka and Kuja paused to glare at Sephiroth. He looked back at them.


"Will you please lose more quietly!" Kuja snapped at him.

"Am I going to have to remove you from the hall, sir?" the card-checking demonesse growled at Sephiroth. The bishounen squeaked.

"N-no! I'll lose quietly! I promise!"

"Good." The demonesse moved on. Sephiroth sighed heavily.

"This sucks."

"I'm having fun," Kefka grinned. Sephiroth snorted.

"That's just because you're trying to feel up my leg," Kuja said under her breath, marking off another square.

"Uwee hee hee hee hee hee...." Kefka gave her knee a little squeeze. She glared at him briefly.


Kefka giggled with a wicked grin. "Will you spank me if I don't behave?"

She sweatdropped. "I am so not answering that question."

He leered at her. "Oh, c'mon Kuja-doll, you know you want to!"

"Do you want me to remove your hand?"

"Uwee hee... from your knee or from my arm?"

"I haven't decided that far yet."

"Uwee..." He gave her knee another squeeze but didn't move his hand. Kuja sighed faintly.

"You're impossible."

"I know," Kefka smirked.

Several more games passed in this fashion without any of the trio winning. Kefka and Kuja came close a few times, but remained unsuccessful. Sephiroth was too busy trying not to get a wedgie from the card checker to really pay much attention to the game.

"Don't you find it at least mildly disturbing that that demonesse keeps calling Sephiroth her bitch?" Kuja wondered, watching Sephiroth out of the corner of her eye.

"Nope," Kefka grinned wickedly. "I think it's cute."

"Sephiroth wouldn't agree..."

"I toooold him to wear the chip. But would he? Noooo!" He giggled wildly. "I hope she steals his pants."


"Well, it'd be amusing!" Kefka smirked. "And then she could make him with them back."

"Considering his current bingo luck, that could take a while."

"Uwee hee, I know!"

"Wicked, wicked Kefka," Kuja said with a laugh.

"Oooh, and that's what you love about me," Kefka grinned, patting her knee before finally pulling his hand away. She snorted lightly.

"Don't press your luck...."

"Can I press yours?" he giggled. Kuja opened her mouth to retort but stopped, looking down at her card. She set a chip down.

"I got bingo!" she whispered to Kefka. "What do I do?"

"Just...uh...shout 'bingo'!" Kefka giggled, looking at her card.

Kuja called bingo. Lucky for them, the card checker was already nearby. Sephiroth whined unhappily as the demonesse leaned over him to check Kuja's card.

"Yup! You got it alright," the demonesse nodded and grinned. "Congratulations." She turned and leered at Sephiroth again. He whimpered, sinking down in his seat. The card checker laughed and moved on.

"Too bad there aren't any prizes," Kuja said as they cleared off their cards.

"Oooh, but I promised that I'd give you one!" Kefka giggled.

A new game started.


They looked at each other. Kuja sweatdropped. Kefka grinned broadly.


"Come on!"


"Come on, it'll be fun!"

"Not in this millenium it won't..."

Kefka pouted lightly, setting a chip down on his card.

"Maybe next game..."


end chapter 21