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Disclaimers and Notes: Square owns Final Fantasy and all its characters. I own the story. Yeah, I'm claiming it... sue me and ya don't get anything, except maybe the certificate I got in the mail for making the dean's list again... Chapter 20. Dang. Am I the only person who's getting the feeling that this story is getting too long? Or is it not long enough? hmm...

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 20: Monocolor War

"It's a bunny."

"No, it is not a bunny!"

"Yes it is a bunny! It has long bunny ears, and bunny feet, and a little fluffy bunny tail! It's a bunny!"

"It's not a bunny!" Sephiroth hissed again. "It's supposed to be a crocodile!"

"Damn, Sephiroth, you suck at drawing!" Meow x17 snickered.

"No I don't!"

"Crocodiles don't even have ears!"

Sephiroth sighed, stabbing at the drawing with his sword. "Maybe they do where I come from."

"Sure they do. Crocodiles with bunny ears." Meow x17 finished his drawing and held it up. "Guess."

Sephiroth squinted. "It looks like a dragon."

"Very good!" Meow x17 smirked. "You may suck at drawing, but at least you know a dragon when you see one."

He glowered. "Shut up."

"What are you two fighting over now?" Kuja's voice sounded from behind Sephiroth.

"Yeah, arguing over who has more brain cells?" Kefka snickered. "I'd vote for the cat."

Sephiroth sneered at Kefka. "At least I'd be able to participate in the contest."

Kefka snorted as he sat down.

"Now boys, behave," Kuja sighed heavily as she flopped back down in her chair.

"Something wrong, Kuja?" Meow x17 wondered.

"No, just a bit tired," Kuja said.

"We got attacked by Flaure," Kefka added. Kuja nodded in agreement.

"And so how'd you escape being crammed into little bottles?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Very carefully," Kuja said with a yawn.

Sephiroth pointed at Kefka with his sword. "Why'd you save him?"

She shrugged. "I didn't."

The bishounen blinked cluelessly.

Kuja leaned on the table. "Kefka saved me."

"Score one for clown-boy," Meow x17 snickered. Sephiroth arched a brow, looking at Kefka.

"You saved her?" he said doubtfully. "How'd you manage to pull that one off?"

"I caught her."

"Caught her?"

Kefka nodded with a smirk. "We got thrown into a lava pit, and I caught her."

Sephiroth blink a few times. "How the hell...?"

"Very carefully," Kefka echoed Kuja's earlier sentiment.

"Lucky you," Sephiroth sighed.

"Uwee hee, yes, I know..." Kefka squirmed a bit. "I even got a reward!"

The bishounen looked suspicious. "A reward? For catching Kuja?"

"Uh huh!" Kefka giggled and nodded. "It was a good one, too!"

Sephiroth remained suspicious. "What kind of reward?"

"I can't tell you, you'd be too jealous."

"Tell me!"

"I can't!"

"Tell me!!"

"Uwee hee, I caaaan't!"

"TELL ME!!!" Sephiroth shrieked, smacking his sword against the table in annoyance.

"Fine." Kefka leaned forward, smirking. "She kissed me."

"What?!" Sephiroth moved to stand up, but tripped over his sword and fell back into his seat. He pounted a fist on the table, accidentally waking the dozing Kuja up.

"Huuh?" she blinked, sitting up.

"You kissed him?" Sephiroth hissed, pointing toward Kefka.

Kuja scratched her ear. "Uh huh."

"How could you?" Sephiroth said. "That's just!"

"I didn't think it was that bad," Kefka said.

"Yeah, what've you got against me?"

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "I meant you kissing him, not the fact that you were the one doing the kissing!"

"And what've you got against me?" Kefka wondered.

"Everything," Sephiroth grumbled.

"Uwee hee, just the answer I was hoping for."

Kuja waved over the waitress to order a drink.

"So what were you two doing, anyway?" she asked.

"Drawing stuff," Meow x17.

"Ooh, I wanna draw!" Kefka reached for a piece of paper and a pencil.

"What did you guys draw so far?" Kuja asked, looking mildly amused.

"I drew a dragon," Meow x17 said, holding up his picture.

"Very nice..." she tilted her head, looking at Sephiroth's slightly slashed drawing. "Nice bunny."

"It's not a bunny, it's a crocodile!" Sephiroth sniffed in annoyance, trying to cover up the image.

"I didn't know crocodiles went hippity hoppity all over the place," she said.

"They do now!"

"I'm sorry, I haven't had enough to drink yet to make it look like a crocodile," Kuja smirked. Sephiroth muttered under his breath.

"I bet I could draw a crocodile better than you," Kefka said.

Sephiroth snorted, reaching for his sword. "I bet I could draw blood better than you!"

"Oh yeah?"


"Bring it on!"

"Boys!" Kuja cut through the argument. "There's no sense in spilling blood on clean paper."

They both paused and blinked at her. "Huh?"

"Why don't you just try drawing something else?"

"Well.... okay," Sephiroth sighed, leaning back into his chair. "What should I draw?"

"How about something that you know how to draw?" Meow x17 suggested.

Sephiroth blinked. "Like what?"

"How about a bunny?"

He glared. "Very funny."

Kefka "uwee hee"'d in amusement as he drew.

"Do you want to draw too?" Meow x17 asked, offering Kuja a pencil.

She sweatdropped. "Eh, sure. Why the hell not?"

"You can't be any worse at drawing than sword-boy here," the Cat snickered as he rolled the pencil across the table.

"Will you just drop the damn bunny thing already?!"

"I was never much for drawing," Kuja admitted, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"Then why don't you try drawing a crocodile?" Sephiroth grumbled.

"Weren't you the one whining to have that subject dropped?"

"Yes. So why don't you humor me and draw the damned crocodile!"

"Alright, alright, you don't have to get your knickers in a twist."

Sephiroth flushed. "I'm not wearing knickers!"

Kefka paused from his drawing. "Uwee hee, I think I am!"

Kuja sighed. "Forget I said anything about knickers."

She took her drink from the waitress, sipping it and staring down at the blank paper thoughtfully. Kefka hummed, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth and brow furrowed in concentration as he drew. Sephiroth was leaning back and slouching a bit, pouting as he stabbed away at the paper with his pencil. Meow x17 was now gnawing on his pencil, but stopped occasionally to make a few marks on his own sheet of paper.

They worked in relative silence for a few minutes.

Eventually, Meow x17 set the remains of his pencil down. "Alright, everybody finished?"

"Uh-huh, uwee hee!"

"I guess so," Sephiroth sighed.

"Just a sec..." Kuja hurriedly finished her picture, and then her drink. She waved the waitress over, ordered, and then cleared her throat. "Okay, I'm finished now."

"So kind of you to join us," Sephiroth said dryly.

"You can't rush perfection," Kuja said, tossing her hair lightly.

"Good thing it was Kuja trying to be perfect instead of Sephiroth, or we'd be waiting for all eternity," Kefka smirked.

Sephiroth sneered. "Why don't we just see what everyone drew?"

"'Me first!" the Gimme Cat hopped in his chair, picking up his picture.

They looked at it.

"You drew yourself?" Kefka said, puzzled.

"No, that's my Momma Cat!" Meow x17 sniffed. "See the bow on her tail?"

"Oh, yes...." Kuja nodded. "Alright, how about you, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth glared at his paper for a moment before holding it up. "Guess."

"It's..." Kefka tilted his head, looking clueless.

"Umm..." Meow x17 wiggled his wings thoughtfully. "A goat?"

"A Griffin?" Kuja offered.

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "It's a chocobo!"

"Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja muffled a giggle. "Sephiroth, chocobos only have two legs."

Sephiroth looked at the picture and glowered at it. "Fine." He picked up his sword and slashed the front legs off the picture. "Is that better?"

The others peered at it.

"Yeah, it looks more like a chocobo now," Kuja chuckled.

"Good," Sephiroth said with a sniff, flopping back into his seat. He tapped his sword on the table. "Alright, lets see your crocodile, Lady Tribal."

Kuja snickered, offering up her drawing. "Well?"

"Hmmm..." Kefka scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"It looks more like a crocodile that Sephiroth's picture," Meow x17 said.

"It doesn't have bunny ears," Sephiroth agreed sourly.

"Or a fluffy tail," she smirked.

"It looks more like a lizard than a crocodile," Kefka said. "It needs to look more sinister."

She blinked. "More sinister?"

"What do you want her to do, give it a feather and an evil laugh?"

"And maybe some make-up," Sephiroth added.

Kuja looked down at the picture. "I thought the pointy teeth made it look sinister."

"It's a lot more sinister than Sephiroth's bunny-dile," Meow x17 grinned.

"Gah!" Sephiroth dropped his head onto the table.

"Alright, Kefka, let's see your, uh...masterpiece," Kuja grinned.

"Yeah! Mine mine mine!" Kefa pushed the paper into the middle of the table. "Uwee hee!"

Sephiroth picked his head up off the table. "Stick people. Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey, no one said I was an artist!" Kefka giggled.

"So who's who?" Kuja wondered, leaning over the table to get a better look.

"Uwee..." Kefka's gaze strayed for a moment to her backside, until Kuja swatted him in the arm. "Oh, right!" He pointed to the various stick figures.

"This oughta be good," Sephiroth muttered.

"This one is me," Kefka said, pointing to a stick person with a feather sticking out of its head. He pointed to one next to it that had an added squiggly line stuck above its legs. There were also two little lines sticking off the top of the figure's head. "That one's Kuja-doll..." He pointed to two little circles stuck together, with a set of wings, legs, and a squiggly tail. "That's the Cat..."

Kuja giggled, pointing to a figure that was laying on the 'ground' of the paper. "I'm guessing that one's Sephiroth?"

"Yup!" Kefka nodded. "Uwee hee, you're smart, Kuja-doll!"

"The sword gave it away."

Sephiroth peered at his stick person. "Hey, where's my head?!"

"You don't need one!" Kefka hissed.

Sephiroth growled. "Draw me a head!"

"Actually, I think that's what the stick demons over there are using as a ball," Kuja said, pointing to the side of the paper.

"That's not funny!"

"I thought it was..." Meow x17 said, tilting his head.

"Me too, uwee hee!"

"Me three," Kuja said with a grin.

"You're outnumbered, Sephiroth," Meow x17 snickered.

"I vote we cut off his head!" Kefka said. "Get his sword!"

"I second the motion!" Meow x17 crowed. They looked at Kuja. She shrugged.

"Leave me alone!" Sephiroth wailed, whacking his head on the table again.

"He's down, get his sword, uwee hee!"

"No! Leave! Me! Alone!" Sephiroth hopped to his feet, grabbing his sword. "Noooow!" He ran off with a wail, sword in hand.

The remaining three watch him run off.

"Aw, he's no fun..."


end chapter 20