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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as Chapter 1. (And no, I'm not trying to make Kefka out to be any fruitier than he might already be. Kuja is just really girly looking, and I wouldn't be that surprised if Kefka got confused. ^^;; ) Also, the general lack of villains from 7 and 8 (and the others, at that) is because I haven't finished 7, and haven't played 8. My bad. ^^; Not that you probably want them subjected to this anyways...

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 2: Kefka

"Why don't you drink?" Kuja asked curiously as the waitress brought another glass to their table.

"Because it makes me act weird," Kefka said.


Kefka tapped a pen in his hand, eyeing Kuja. The violet-haired villain flushed again.

"Will you stop that!"

Kefka stopped the tapping, but kept his eyes on Kuja.

"I meant the leering!" Kuja crossed his arms.

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Kuja," Kefka smirked. "Mwee hee! You're the first girl who's come by lately who hasn't been armed."

"All those Alexandrian soldiers are a real drag," Meow x17 agreed.

"I'm not a girl!!!"

Kefka shrugged, giggling. "And I'm not a god anymore, but you don't see that slowing me down."

Kuja sighed. "This really is hell."

"No doubt!" Meow x17 said cheerfully. Kuja downed his new drink, grimacing. Kefka called for another.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're trying to loosen me up?"

"I never was subtle, uwee hee," Kefka grinned, tilting his head.

"If you're trying to get me out of my skirt, it's not going work," Kuja said sourly.

"Maybe, maybe not," Kefka said. "You don't have that much to get out of."

Kuja cleared his throat in annoyance. "I though you were going to tell me your story."

Kefka clapped his hands together with a giggle. "Yes, my story! Me me me!"

"Hello, ego," Meow x17 rolled his eyes.

"Oh, that's nothing," Kuja waved a hand dismissively before receiving a new drink. Kefka looked at him curiously. "But, your story first."

"Right, right," Kefka nodded repeatedly, more than eager to entertain what the ever-confused voices in his head were referring to as his new 'lady-friend'.

Kefka pressed his fingers together. "I was born, and then I grew up, and then I joined the Empire's army--"

"The end," Meow x17 said sharply. He ducked another attack from Kefka. The blonde turned back to Kuja, resting a hand on his knee. Kuja chose to ignore it since he was only touching his boot.

"I wonder where I can buy some pants in hell," Kuja muttered.

"You can have mine," Kefka grinned. "Uwee hee hee!"

Kuja flushed again. "Your story!"

"Yes, my story!" Kefka sat back up, his hand still on Kuja's knee.

Kuja considered getting a lock to put on his thong as Kefka began talking again.

"I was in the army, and they all loved me," Kefka said cheerfully. "They loved me so much, they decided that I was worthy of being a test subject for some new experiment."

"At least you weren't born an experiment," Kuja smirked, taking a sip of his drink. Kefka patted his knee.

"My story," he said pointedly. Kuja nodded. "The scientist guy gave me a bunch of magic powers. His name was Cid. He was nice, but then he started working with that girl Celes. Stupid traitorous bitch!" Kefka curled his free hand into a fist and shook it angrily.

"Khehehe..." Kuja tried to muffle his laughter. Kefka looked brightly at Kuja.

"But I got my revenge! I killed a bunch of Espers and took their powers--"

"What's an Esper?" Kuja wondered.

"Just a weird powerful magic beast thingie," Kefka said.

"Sounds like an Eidolon."

Kefka blinked. "What's an Eidolon?"

"A weird powerful magic beast thingie," Kuja smirked. Kefka grinned and nodded.

"Sounds about right!" He cleared his throat. "Anyhoo, I took the power from the Espers and became really strong. I killed a bunch of people, scared cute little animals, burned down towns, poisoned rivers. It was a lot of fun."

"Sounds like it."

"Eventually I got bored with that, and so I killed off the Emperor and made myself the Emperor."

"I should have thought of that," Kuja said to himself.

Kefka continued, giggling occasionally. "And then I knocked out the balance of the magic power in the world, and everything got messed up."

"Messed up?"

"Kinda destroyed everything," Kefka said, smiling. "I controlled everything after that, and since being Emperor wasn't quite good enough, I made myself a god."


"I know," Kefka grinned. "Being a god was even more fun. I blew up towns and terrorized people. I even had a cult following!"

Kuja raised a brow. "Wow."

Kefka paused in his reverie, peering thoughtfully at Kuja. "You know, you have a really cute nose."

Kuja gritted his teeth. "Your story!!"

The other man giggled and cleared his throat. "Right, right, where was I..."

"Cult following," Meow x17 said. Kefka nodded.

"I had a cult following."

"You already said that," Kuja said.

"At least you're paying attention, uwee hee!" Kefka grinned, tapping his chin with the pen. "Let's see. I had a cult following, and then..."

"And then the Returners came to your tower and killed you," Meow x17 said.

"Shut up! I'm telling the story!"

"Then get on with it!" Meow x17 hissed.

"Don't make me use you as a coaster again!" Kefka snapped.

"I thought you said you didn't drink," Kuja said.

"He still makes a good coaster!" Kefka said, looking a bit more flustered than usual. Kuja looked at him dubiously, and was about to speak when the weird guy with silver hair stalked up to their table.

"Sephiroth, I paid you back your money!" Meow x17 said, trying to hide in his chair. Sephiroth looked at Meow x17 dismissively.

"You were the one with the rum drinks and the sword," Kuja said keenly. Sephiroth held up the sword and nodded.

"You're drunk again, Sephiroth?" Kefka sneered at the silver haired villain, who was eyeing Kuja.

"I was not!" Sephiroth snapped, flushing. "I just had a few drinks!"

"He was drunk," Kuja said. "Either that, or very bent on telling the whole room that he had a sword."

"I do have a sword!"

"We know!" several people at the tables around them shouted. Sephiroth looked around in annoyance.

"Shut up or I'll kill all of you!"

Kuja and Kefka snickered. Sephiroth turned back to the table, flushing again as he realized what he'd said.

"Well, I would if I could."

"What do you want, Sephiroth?" Kefka said, annoyed.

"I was just wondering who your new lady friend was," Sephiroth said, gesturing toward Kuja with his sword.

"I'm not his lady friend!!" Kuja screeched. Sephiroth blinked.

"Miss Kuja is a bit relunctant," Kefka said. Kuja growled, crossing his arms and looking away from the other two villains.

"Ooh, but she's cute when she growls," Sephiroth grinned.

"If you touch me I'll break your arm," Kuja said.

"You just need another drink," Kefka said.

"I don't need another drink! I've already had plenty!"

"Oh nonsense," Kefka laughed and waved for the waitress.

"I don't know, Kefka, if she thinks she's a guy, then maybe she has had too many drinks," Sephiroth said with a snicker. Kuja growled again.

The waitress brought Kuja another drink. He looked down at it, then back up at Kefka and Sephiroth. They stared at him expectantly. Kuja shrugged and sighed.

"What the hell..." Kuja downed the drink in a single gulp, supressing his urge to cough it back up. "Fuck!"

"You wanna?" Kefka grinned. "Uwee hee hee!"

"No!" Kuja swatted Kefka away.

"I get to get her a drink now!" Sephiroth said.

"No, I'm getting her drinks!" Kefka hissed, standing up.

"I'm getting her one!"

"I am!"

"Fight! Fight!" a voice chimed behind them.

"Shut up, Golbez!" Kefka shouted around Sephiroth.

While they continued to argue, the Gimme Cat motioned to the waitress.

"Do you want to hear my story?" Meow x17 asked. "It's not as pathetic as these science experiments'..."

Kuja sighed. "Sure..."


end chapter 2