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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 13: The Underlayers of Hell, part 4

"Are we there yet?"


"Damn." Kefka scuffed his shoes on the tiled floor of the eighth underlayer of hell. "This sucks."

"I don't think it's that bad," Sephiroth said cheerfully.

"You wouldn't."

"Boys, quit arguing," Kuja said with a smirk. She adjusted her skirt.

"Kefka's just jealous," Sephiroth said in a mocking tone. Kefka growled.

"I'm not jealous!" he hopped indignantly.


"Oh, come on. It's not like I necked him or anything!" Kuja laughed at Kefka's discomfort.

"You didn't have to do it in front of me!" Kefka pouted. Sephiroth made a little mocking motion behind his back.

"You two are just so mature."

"I'll be even more mature if you give me another little peck like that," Sephiroth said with a hopeful grin. She rolled her eyes.

"Don't press your luck."

"Yeah, let someone else have a turn," Kefka said.

They arrived at the gate to the ninth underlayer. Kuja pulled out the passcard.

"So... we're supposed to find out what we're looking for when we get there, right?"

"I think so."

"I wonder what we're looking for," Kefka said, trying to edge Sephiroth away from Kuja.

"A bit of sanity, perhaps?" Kuja smirked, sliding the card into the gate. There was a beep, and the gate unlocked.

"Sanity?! Ha!! Who needs it?" Kefka hooted with laughter as he followed Kuja through the door. Sephiroth trailed a step behind, yelping as the gate slammed shut behind him.

"Stupid door," Sephiroth muttered, checking to make sure that his sword was all right.

"Besides," Kefka said to Sephiroth as they followed Kuja into the jungle that was the ninth underlayer. "She was tranced, so it didn't count."

"Huh?" Sephiroth blinked. "What do you mean it didn't count?!"

"She acts weird when she trances," Kefka said.

"So? It still counts!"

"Think what you want, it didn't count."

"Boys." Kuja glared at them over her shoulder.

"We're still even," Kefka said under his breath.

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are--OW!!" Kefka whirled to face Sephiroth. "Whattid you do that for?!"

"Do what, clown boy?" Sephiroth snapped.

"You poked me with your sword!"

"Did not!"

"Uh, Kefka?" Kuja suppressed a giggle.


"You've got a lizard on your butt."

"Huh?" Kefka looked over his shoulder. There was, in fact, what looked like a red iguana clamped onto Kefka's posterior. "Ah! Get it off! Get it off!"

"Hold still!" Kuja laughed. "It's just an iguana."

"I don't care what it is! Get it off me now!"

"Well, just... hold still already!" Kuja grabbed him by the collar, and he stopped squirming. Kuja grabbed the lizard and managed to work it loose.

"Sqwark!" the iguana chirrupped in annoyance.

"Bad lizard! You shouldn't be biting people's butts, even if they do deserve it." Kuja looked at the iguana curiously.

"Does that mean you want to bite my butt?" Kefka asked hopefully, inspecting his cloak for teeth marks.

Kuja sweatdropped. "Sure, it means I want to bite your butt."

"Uwee!" Kefka turned and stuck his tongue out at Sephiroth. "Nyah nyah!"

Sephiroth managed to ignore Kefka's taunting--mostly. "Uh-urm--hey! Is that thing wearing a collar?"

"I think you're right," Kuja said, noticing the black leather band going around the iguana's neck. A little gold tag hung from the collar. "Let's see what it says."


"His name is Ferness, and--"

"Furnace?" Kefka said with a puzzled look. "Why would anyone name an iguana Furnace?"

The lizard looked at Kefka, opened its jaws, and shot a stream of flame at him. He yelped and jumped back.

"That's a pretty good reason," Sephiroth said with a smirk.

"Very funny."

Kuja cleared her throat. "Ferness belongs to Kurshplat."

Kefka looked at the lizard in annoyance. "You mean this is what we went through all this trouble to find?"

"I guess so."

"Sqwer-sqwerk." Ferness wiggled a bit.

"Oh no, you're staying with us for now," Kuja said, holding the lizard tighter.

"Sqwerrrk!" Ferness snuggled against Kuja, snout stuck under the edge of her tank top.

"Like owner, like iguana," Kuja said, blushing heavily.

"Lucky lizard," Kefka grumbled.

"Aw, I think he likes you," Sephiroth snickered.

"Get in line, lizard!" Kefka snapped at Ferness. The iguana hissed at him.

"Ah, hey, that tickles," Kuja giggled. "Can we get going before I make one of you hold this thing?"

"Right, right..." Kefka took the passcard from her and they started back.


"Back so soon?" Garland looked at them curiously as they returned to the Demons and Co. building.

"Yes," Kuja sighed. Garland looked at her with a blink.

"Why do you have an iguana looking up your--hey, when did you get breasts?"

"You're just so observant," Kuja growled.

"I don't remember giving you them," Garland scratched his beard thoughtfully.

"Yeah, but they're nice, aren't they?" Kefka leaned around her and grinned.

"Sqweee..." Ferness made a noise of agreement. Kuja blushed again.

"You can see 'em better when she trances," Sephiroth noted.

Kuja cleared her throat. "Is Kurshplat in?"

"Yes, go on ahead..."

"Thank you." Kuja led them off toward the elevator. Garland watched them depart with a curious stare.

"When she trances?"


Kurshplat was waiting for them when they arrived.

"So you fools finally came back," the demon growled in greeting.

"Lucky for us," Kefka glared at Kurshplat. The demon shrugged.

"What happened to Flaure?"

"She's taking a lava bath," Kuja smirked, following Kefka and Sephiroth into the room.

"Ferness!" Kurshplat hopped to his feet. "You found him!"

"Yes..." Kuja pulled the iguana loose and set him on the floor. "He's very...friendly."

The demon scooped up the iguana and hugged him gleefully. "Yes, my Fern-werny loves the ladies!"

Sephiroth and Kefka snickered.

"Excuse me for asking, but why do you have a fire breathing iguana as a pet?" Kefka asked.

"He's not an iguana, he's a demi-dragon," Kurshplat said.

"A demi-what?"

"A demi-dragon. A leeeetle one." Kurshplat set the lizard on his shoulder. "I've had Ferness ever since I was a little demon."

"And how did he get all the way down to the ninth underlayer?"

Kurshplat shrugged. "He snuck out while I was in a meeting one day. Was probably off chasing tail."


Kuja adjusted her tank top. "That I can believe."

"We got what you wanted, can we leave now?" Sephiroth said in a slightly whiny tone. Kurshplat waved a hand.

"Of course, you're free to go now. You could have just left Ferness back at the desk instead of bringing him all the way up here..." He gave Kuja a toothy grin. "Unless you just wanted to see me again.."

"No, no she didn't!" Kefka snapped defensively. He and Sephiroth stood in front of Kuja. Kurshplat shrugged.

"Suit yourself. But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!"

"Right..." Kuja made a face. She grabbed Kefka and Sephiroth by the elbows. "C'mon guys, lets get out of here."

"I'm right behind you!"

"No, I am!"

"Hey, me first!"

Kuja shook her head and continued making a bee-line for the elevator while they squabbled behind her.

"Umm, gentlemen?" Kurshplat spoke up after a few minutes.

"What?" They paused in mid-squabble.

"She already left," the demon said, pointing toward the door.


"Kuja-doll, wait for us!"

She was down in the lobby talking to Garland when they finally caught up with her.

"I can't believe he got into heaven."

"He wasn't a bad guy, Garland," Kuja said with a shrug.

"Yes, that was quite an unfortunate development," Garland sighed.

"No, this is an unfortunate development," Kuja said, pointing at her chest. "Zidane being a good guy was just fate."


"Ooh, can we point at your chest too?" Kefka giggled and hopped up behind her. Sephiroth trailed a few steps behind, trying to catch his breath.

"Do they follow you everywhere?" Garland wondered, eyeing the bishounen and the blonde.

"Not everywhere, but they try."

"Yes, we're getting better at it!" Kefka grinned.

"How comforting."

"So you're the guy who created Kuja?" Kefka asked, leaning around her.

"Yes, that's right."

"You did a very good job," Sephiroth grinned.

"You're the first to think so," Garland said in a sour tone.

"Actually, I think I was," Kefka said. "He was just copying me."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

Garland watched them squabble for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Excuse me, gentlemen?"


"I thought you two followed...her... everywhere," Garland said.

"We do!"

"Then why aren't you now?"

"Wha?" They turned in unison to find that Kuja had already started off for the door. She was, in fact, standing next to the fiery decorative fountain and yawning.

"Kuja-doll, wait for us!"

"Yeah, wait for us!"

They ran off after her. Garland looked puzzled and scratched his beard.

"We have to escort you to make sure no one tries to do anything dirty and kinky to you!"

"Yeah, that's our job!"


end chapter 13

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