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Disclaimers and Notes: Same as before!

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 12: The Underlayers of Hell, part 3

"Yes! Scream like the little sissies that you are!!"

"We're not sissies!" Kefka shouted back as they fled from the demon. "We used to hold whole planets cowering in fear!"

"I want my sword!!" Sephiroth wailed.

Flaure glared as they ran around her and tried to get away. "Will you two hold still? I can't catch you if you keep moving!!"

"That was the general idea!"

"You're supposed to be paralyzed with fear, trembling at the mere sight of me!!" Flaure hissed and shot another volley of fire at the men.

"You're ugly, not scary!"

Flaure growled. "I should find smaller bottles to put your pathetic souls in!" she snarled. "How could such weaklings ever be true villains?!"

"Dying kind of kills your confidence!" Sephiroth shouted. They continued to flee, looping away from the gate again.

"I said hold still!" Flaure roared. She lashed out, knocking both men off their feet. Kefka landed in a heap, but Sephiroth was sent over the edge of the path.

"Aaaii!" Sephiroth clamped his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable lava burn. But instead of feeling himself hit the lava, he felt something pass quickly over his shoulder, stopping his descent. "Huh?" He opened his eyes in surprise.

The Masamune extended from the wall, pinning Sephiroth up by the collar.

"My sword!" Sephiroth cried happily. "You came back!"

"Peek-a-boo, you blonde bitch!" A red form appeared on Flaure's head.

"What the--?!" Flaure attempted to throw the form off, but failed.

"Kuja!" Kefka hopped to his feet. "Uwee hee hee! You're all right!"

"Of course I am!" Kuja snapped. She hit the soul collector on the head repeatedly with her tail. "No one messes around with my men, especially stupid blonde little soul stealing bitches!"

"Uh, a hand?" Sephiroth called. Kefka scrambled to the side of the path, leaning over. "Hey! Help me up!"

"I dunno..." Kefka tapped his chin and looked thoughtful. "If I let you fall, I think I'd have an easier time getting Kuja."

"Kefka!!" Sephiroth kicked the wall.

"Right, right..." Kefka floated down and held Sephiroth by the arm. Sephiroth pulled the sword free, and they returned to the path.

"I thought I got rid of you!" Flaure shouted as Kuja jumped off her head and landed in front of her.

"Yes, you did. And while being Kurshplat's play toy was just so much fun, I'm afraid I have more important things to be doing!"

"Of course, you weren't so red and molting when I sent you back to Kurshplat," Flaure smirked. "I suppose I'll just have to collect you too!"

"You won't be collecting anyone!" Kuja hissed, tail lashing angrily.

"Her tail really is cute," Kefka whispered to Sephiroth, who nodded in agreement.

"I think she's cuter when she's mad," Sephiroth whispered.

"Actually, I think she's not cuter when she's mad, I think she gets sexier," Kefka observed.

"Oooh, you're right!"

"Do you two perverts mind?!" Kuja shouted over her shoulder. "I'm trying to save your butts, and all you two can do is discuss my sex appeal!"

"Sorry, Kuja-doll! Continue saving our perverted little butts!" Kefka called, waving cheerfully.

Flaure sweatdropped. "And you're really sure you want to save them?"

Kuja shrugged. "They may be idiots, but aside from a Gimme Cat and a little brother in heaven, they're all I've got."

"Aw, she claims us!" Kefka giggled.

"You're a very strange woman," Flaure said. She snarled. "You will make a very interesting addition to my collection!"

"Still with the collecting thing?" Kuja sighed, floating up to eye level with the demon. "I fought too hard for my soul to let some ingrate like you have it!"

"Can we help?" Sephiroth called.

"You couldn't help before, what good will you be now?" Flaure laughed.

"Ah, but I have my sword now!" Sephiroth waved the Masamune to make his point.

"Hmph. Give a man a sword, and suddenly he thinks he's worth something."

"Hey!" Kefka hopped a few times. "He's not worth anything with the sword!"

"You're not helping!"

"I knooow," Kefka giggled.

Sephiroth ran up behind Kuja. He whispered to her. "Do you think you can handle her?"

"I think so..." Kuja tilted her head. "You two just distract her!"

"Right!" He ran back to Kefka.

"I'll start with you, you feathered freak!" Flaure hissed. She threw one of the little glass bottles at Kuja. With a flick of her long red tail Kuja slowed the bottle and intercepted it. "Hey!"

"You just don't listen!"

"I don't have to listen, you pathetic fool!" Flaure threw the second bottle at Kuja, but it was intercepted by the blade of Sephiroth's sword. The bottle shattered and fell in fragments to the ground.

"Yoo-hoo, Miss evil tour guide!" Kefka catcalled from behind Flaure. The demon whirled around to face him.

Kuja landed next to Sephiroth. "I think that if we can turn her back to her more human form then we can actually deal with her."

"How do you plan on doing that?" Sephiroth wondered. They saw a flash from Kefka's direction, and heard him laughing giddily as Flaure roared in annoyance.

She looked at him. "I'm not going to."

Sephiroth sweatdropped. "Let me guess, I get to?"

"You're the one with the sword." Kuja waved a pale hand. "Just cut her tail off."

"You make it sound so simple."

"Don't worry, you've got me and Kefka for backup!" With that, Kuja jumped up, landing on Flaure's back.

"Right..." Sephiroth heard Kefka laughing again. "Hell, if that nut can fight, so can I!"

"Yee-haw!" Kuja laughed, hanging down from one of Flaure's horns by the tail. "Hi there! Are you having as much fun as we are?"

Flaure roared angrily, trying to throw Kuja off of her head.

"Oooh, bad breath!" Kuja held her hands up in Flaure's face. "FlareStar!"

Sephiroth gave a wicked chuckle as he heard Flaure roar again.

"My turn!" He leapt toward Flaure, and with a quick swing of his sword removed the demon's tail.

Flaure's eyes bugged wide. "My tail!!!"

Kuja bounced away, landing next to Kefka. Flaure roared in pain, and in a flash of light returned to her more diminutive form.

"You bastards!" Flaure hissed.

Sephiroth posed, sword at the ready.

"How dare you!" Flaure shouted, brushing her hair back in an angry motion.

"Oh, it's not that hard," Kuja smirked, standing between Kefka and Sephiroth. "You see, I know something you don't."

"What's that?"

Kefka pointed. "There's a big ugly spider about to jump on you."

Flaure shrieked, turning around. "Where?!"

"Right here!" Kuja pounced on the soul collector, pinning her to the ground.

"Hey, get offa me!"

"No, I don't think so..." Kuja smirked again, pulling the passcard from Flaure's pocket. She tossed the card to Kefka.

"What are you doing?"

Kuja leaned over Flaure and gave her a sinister grin. "Oh, you really should do better research on the souls you're collecting."

Kefka giggled. "Uwee hee!" He waved the passcard.

"Bye-bye, Flaure," Kuja hissed, holding up the bottle.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I caaaan!" Kuja slammed the bottle on Flaure's forehead.

"No!" Flaure wailed as she was sucked into the bottle.

"Oomph!" Kuja let out a little grunt as she landed on the ground. "Gotcha, you little blonde bitch!"

"What are you going to do with her?" Kefka wondered as Kuja got to her feet.

"I have an idea." She looked at the lava pits that surrounded the path.

"Oooh, that's a hot idea!" Kefka giggled.

"I thought so too," she grinned.

Kefka grinned as he watched Kuja hurl the bottle into the lava.

"Somehow I get the feeling that you were a little jealous of Flaure?"

Kuja watched the bottle disappear into the lava. "Don't flatter yourself."

He giggled.

Kuja went over to where Sephiroth was still standing, sword in hand.

"Something wrong, Sephy?" Kuja wondered. He looked at her, eyes wide.

"N-no!" he grinned. "I'm great!"

"You look a little disturbed."

Sephiroth smiled. "More than usual?"


"I just haven't felt a thrill like that in a long time!" Sephiroth said, resting the Masamune on his shoulder.

"Ah, yes, the thrill of beating the snot out of your enemies..." Kefka hopped over to them.

"Do you think what Flaure said was true?" Sephiroth wondered.

"'Bout what?"

"Have we gone soft? Are we not evil enough anymore?"

Kefka shrugged. "Maybe. But hey, we're dead. Not much else we can do anymore."


Kuja looked between them. "I wouldn't worry about it. After all, we handled her without too much trouble."

"Yes, but you came to our rescue!" Sephiroth said, grinning sheepishly.

"Our heroine!" Kefka giggled. Kuja smiled and turned to Sephiroth.

"Thank you," she said, standing on her tip-toes and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Sephiroth flushed, squeaking wordlessly in surprise. Kefka made a strangled noise.

"F-for what?" Sephiroth managed.

"For carrying that damn sword of yours around all the time," Kuja said, stepping back.

"Wha---eeh---" Kefka continued making little confused noises.

"Oh!" Sephiroth grinned.

"After all, I wouldn't have been able to save your butts if Flaure hadn't been dumb enough to send the sword with me," Kuja said as she walked toward the gate to the fifth underlayer.

"Wait for me!" Sephiroth said, sticking his tongue out at Kefka as he followed Kuja.

"H-hey, no fair!" Kefka cried, chasing after them.

"Come on, you guys, we've still got to find that...whatever it is!"


end chapter 12

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