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Disclaimers: Square owns Final Fantasy, whichever number this story pulls from. I'm not sure who owns Zelda. O_o Sue me and get my report card. ^_^
Notes: If I offend any fans of any of the characters in this, don't worry. I'm only doing this 'cause I love 'em.

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 1: Welcome to Hell

Kuja looked around, scratching his head in confusion.

"Is this hell?" he wondered out loud. A tall thin man appeared, wearing all red. He had horns and a scaly tail. The man was carrying a pitchfork in one hand, and a clip board in the other.

"May I help you, sir?"

"With that fashion sense, this must be hell," Kuja muttered. The demon sneered.

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Besides, it's company uniform." He tapped the pitchfork on the floor. "Now, may I help you, sir?"

"I don't know. I'm dead. What now?"

"Ah, so you're dead..." the demon looked at his clipboard. "Cause of death?"

"Um... either cursed by my creator or eaten by an angry tree."

"We're all cursed, so it must be the other," the demon snickered. He flipped through a few pages. "Let's see... angry tree... angry tree... what about 'soul tree'?"

"That might be it."

"Yes." He pointed to a long line. "That way, please."


Kuja stood in a line for a while. A long while. Long enough to 'think about what he had done', as a sign on the wall suggested. Eventually he reached the front of the line. Another demon stood there. This one was female looking, but the forked tongue sort of turned Kuja off of her.

"Allrighty," she said in an annoying nasal voice. "What are you in for?"

"Killing a few hundred thousand people, being a narcissist, kicking my creator off a cliff, trying to kill my little brother and his friends, and... blowing up a planet."

The demonesse didn't seem very impressed. "Ah, yes. That would make you Mr. Kuja, wouldn't it?"

"That it would."

She wrote his name on a nametag and slapped it roughly onto his chest. "You wear that for the next few millenia, please. You'll need to be going to the 'Final Fantasy villains and other forms of evil' room."

"The what?" he blinked, rubbing the sore spot from where she had slapped on the tag.

"I didn't stutta," she snapped. She pointed down a long corridor. "Room 1239B. Don't straggle. Enjoy your stay in Hell."


Kuja made his way down the hall until he reached the room.

"1239B," he said uncertainly, "this must be the place."

He reached for the door handle, but the door flung open instead. He nearly fainted at the form that grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him inside.

"Come on in, cutie!" the buxom blonde Alexandrian soldier slammed the door behind him as they entered. "Now, you just make yourself at home, 'cause yer gonna be here for a while!" She let go of him. "And watch out for the Gimme Cats, they're in heat."

Kuja blinked in confusion as the soldier wandered away.

Looking around the room, Kuja noticed with slight dismay that Garland and Queen Brahne were not present. He was disappointed, having hoped to annoy them for a few eons. There were, however, a lot of Alexandrian soldiers wandering around. He hadn't realized there were so many.

Kuja was about to take a step forward, when a tall man stepped in front of him. He wore a long black trenchcoat, had long flowing silver hair, and was carrying a big sword.

A really big sword, Kuja noticed as he yelped and stepped away quickly. The Alexandrian soldier on the man's arm giggled. The man gave Kuja a menacing look.

Suddenly, the man held the sword up in front of Kuja's face. "I have a sword!" He giggled.

Kuja swallowed nervously. "So I see." He looked at the man's nametag. It read "Sephiroth" in neat letters, with a happy face drawn below it in either blood or nailpolish.

The soldier giggled. "You'll have to excuse him. He isn't adjusting to being dead too well."

"A sword!" Sephiroth wiggled the blade in front of Kuja again for emphasis.

"Or the rum drinks."

"How did he get in with the sword?" Kuja wondered as Sephiroth looked around the room.

"Some guy came in with it stabbed in his back, so Sephy kinda reclaimed it," the soldier giggled again.

"I have a sword!" Sephiroth cried, dragging the the soldier off.

"Damn science experiments," a man dressed in black muttered. He was wearing a visitor's tag that read "Gannondorf". Kuja laughed nervously and quickly made his way past.

He worked his way through the room, doing his best to avoid various angry looking monsters that were lounging about. And various angry looking dead people. Kuja wanted to sit down, and looked for a table. Despite the fact that everyone in the room was condemned to eternal suffering in some fashion or another, no one seemed really that miserable. In fact, a party atmosphere surrounded the place.

Most of the good tables were taken, filled with various people. All looked somewhat evil, and somewhat intoxicated.

Kuja finally reached the back of the room. There was only one seat open. He hesitated as he looked at the other occupants of the table. The first was a strange looking woman, who sat staring blankly. The second was a Gimme Cat. The third was a man wearing a heavy red cloak. He had blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a long blue feather extending from his oranate hair clip.

Since the man was looking down, seemingly very focused on writing something, Kuja turned to the woman.

"Excuse me, miss..." He looked at her nametag. "Top Tower?"

"Don't bother talking to her," the Gimme Cat hissed. "She's just an ornament."

"An ornament?" Kuja blinked. The Gimme Cat's nametag read "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow", all crammed onto the tag in very small letters.

"Yes," Meow x17 said evenly. "That's the guy you want to talk to about the chair." He pointed his tail at the man in red.

"Must I?" Kuja whispered. There was something about the man that made Kuja feel even more uneasy than the rest of the place did.

"If you want to sit, Meow," Meow x17 said. Kuja sighed.

"Excuse me, sir?" Kuja couldn't see his nametag. (Like I need to tell you who that is.)

The man tilted his head up slightly. Kuja's tail bristled from where it was hidden. The man was downright creepy looking. His skin was white, and the red lines painted around his eyes made him look like Meow x17 had gotten upset and tried to claw his eyes out. The man's eyes were icy blue, and Kuja cringed as he looked at him.

"What?" he spoke in a low, even voice, but Kuja sensed a bit of restraint there.

"Is, uh.... is this chair taken?" Kuja squeaked. The man tilted his head up a bit more. Kuja cringed as he noticed the smirk on the man's blood red lips.

"It depends," he said softly.

"On what?" Kuja swallowed.

"Are you insured?" the man said, his voice rising slightly in pitch.

"I'm dead," Kuja said dryly.

"Good enough." The man gestured at the chair. Kuja remained frozen in place, and after a moment the man stood. "I'm sorry, how rude of me." He moved around Kuja, resting a hand on the chair. "Where are my manners? I should always pull the chair out for a young lady."

Kuja flushed. "I'm not a woman!"

"Being flat chested is nothing to be ashamed of," the man said, his lips curling into a twisted grin. "Miss Kuja." Kuja's flush darkened as he felt the man's hand rest on his backside.

"I'm not a girl!" Kuja shrieked. His tail lashed out from underneath his skirt and swatted the man's hand away. The man backed away, his brows arching in surprise.

"Her voice is too deep to be a girl, Kefka," Meow x17 snickered.

Kefka pursed his lips, still eyeing Kuja. "We'll see."

Kuja sat heavily in the chair. Kefka returned to his own seat.

"How do you sit on your tail like that?"

"Practice," Kuja said, eyeing Kefka. The man looked more and more like a psychopathic clown every time Kuja looked him.

"Crossdresser?" Kefka said hopefully. Kuja flushed again.

"I was created looking like this," he snapped.

"Oooh, another freak," Kefka giggled. The sound make Kuja's skin crawl.

"What's your excuse?" Kuja said sourly, accepting a drink from the waitress that passed by their table.

"I'm insane," Kefka said with a sharp nod.

"He's a freak like you, meow," Meow x17 said.

"I'm not a freak!" Kefka shouted, pounding a gloved fist on the table.

"And I'm not a woman," Kuja said sarcastically. Kefka arched a brow.


"Don't get him started!" Meow x17 hissed. He ducked as Kefka pointed at him and shot a small bolt of electricity at him.

"I'll laugh if I want to, you stupid mangy feline!" Kefka said viciously. Kuja started to rise from his seat.

"Maybe I should go--"

"No!" Kefka's hand darted at him, grabbing Kuja's arm with surprising strength and pulling him back down into his chair. "You're not going anywhere!"


"You're the first person to ever want to sit with us, and I'm not letting you go that easily!" Kefka snarled. Kuja winced. This man was frightening. Kind of like Garland before his morning coffee, but not as warm and cuddly.

"F-fine," Kuja said uneasily. "I'll stay."

"Good!" Kefka said brightly, the angry look quickly leaving his face. "Uwee hee hee hee!"

Kuja blinked at the laugh. Meow x17 sighed and shook his head.

Kefka looked keenly at Kuja. "Would you like to hear my story?"

"I... I guess so?"

"Excellent!" Kefka motioned to the waitress. "Waitress! Another drink for Miss Kuja!"

Kuja sighed as Kefka began to laugh again. It was going to be a long eternity.


End Chapter 1