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Disclaimer: Square owns FFIX and its stuff. Sue me and get my report card. That's all I have. ^^;
Notes: Not much in the way of spoilers. This is just a bit of dirty humor, not meant to be taken seriousy. Nope. Kuja's inner demons want some tail. Takes place a bit before FFIX, I'd suppose. ^_^ (Other note: Hakama is the Japanese term for the type of skirt Kuja wears. I think.)

A Tail in Treno
By: Sforzie

Kuja stared at the ceiling. He had been thinking about it for a few hours, but he'd finally come to a decision.

"Treno sucks."

He sat up, violet hair in disarray. The clock on the wall said it was mid-afternoon, but hell if you could tell that while in Treno.

A little violet haired Kuja devil appeared on his shoulder. The end of its tail was a little pitchfork. Kuja sighed at it.

"What do you want now?"

"Let's go get some tail," the little devil Kuja suggested.

"I have a tail," Kuja sneered at it.

"No, you putz, I mean some tail!" Devil Kuja hopped on his shoulder a few times.

"Oh... but the last time I tried doing that the ladies ended up thinking I was a freak because of my tail."

Another little devil Kuja appeared on his other shoulder. "You mean they didn't think you were a girl?"

"No!" Kuja cried sharply, looking at the other devil. "Hey, where'd my good voice go?"

"He got fired for being such a wuss."

Kuja put a hand to his face. "I thought it was supposed to be a wuss."

"You're a villain, Kuja," the second devil said, patting him on the neck. "You can't be a wuss."

"Yeah, you've got to go out there and get laid!"

"What is with you and getting laid?" Kuja snapped at the first devil.

"Hey, you're 23, in your prime! You need to get laid more often." Kuja rolled his eyes. "You know, spread your evil seed around the land and stuff."

"You make it sound so vile," Kuja said evenly.

"It is vile," the second devil said. "That's why we like it."

"Consider it an early birthday present to yourself," the first devil said.

"My birthday was last month."

"All right, then a late present."

"Or a really early one for next year," the second devil suggested, forked tail swishing.

Kuja rubbed his forhead. "Great. Just great. My inner monologue is two stupid, perverted devils. No wonder Garland wanted to replace me."

"Hey, it's not our fault!" the first devil cried as Kuja got to his feet. He staggered for a moment.

"Are you drunk?" the second devil wondered as Kuja held onto a bedpost. His head was swimming.

"I think it's called a hangover," the first devil said.

"Oh. That explains the lack of pants."

"I don't wear pants!" Kuja snapped.

"Well, the lack of hakama and thong ensemble, then," the second devil smirked. Kuja sighed.

"You're going to start insulting my tail, aren't you?"

"Well, it is awfully purple," the second devil said.

"It looks like someone stepped on it," the first said.

"Someone did," Kuja sighed as he stumbled toward the bathroom.

"Boy, you must've really gotten hammered yesterday," the first devil said as Kuja leaned against the sink and stared at himself in the mirror.

"What's today?"


Kuja sighed loudly. "It wasn't yesterday then, it was Saturday."

"Really hammered," the second devil said.

"I can walk again, so I think that's an improvement," Kuja said, squinting his eyes shut as his stomach turned. "They drink some really hard shit in Alexandria."

"How eloquent."

"Shut up."

"Hey, if you got drunk in Alexandria, how'd you end up back here?" the second devil wondered curiously.

"I had someone pick me up and take me back."


Kuja shruggged. "No idea. I might find out later." The devils snickered at him.

Kuja washed his face off in the sink, leaning over the basin for a long time. Eventually he remembered how to speak. "So, where were you two when I needed you this weekend?"

"Harassing that Princess Garnet's inner monologue," the second devil giggled.

"Yeah, she's got two angels, and they're really cute."

"No wonder I crashed and burned so badly," Kuja moaned. "You two were out chasing tail."

"Well, weren't you doing that?"

"Yes, but I needed you guys for support!" Kuja stood back up, reaching for a towel. "I suck at picking up chicks."

"Aw, but you're so eloquent, and you've got such a pretty face, how you could not get laid?" the first devil looked up at him curiously.

"They thought you were a chick, didn't they?" the second devil snickered.

"Shut up!"

"That must've been it," the first said with a sigh.

"No matter how manly I try to look, I still look like a woman," Kuja sighed, looking around for his hairbrush.

"How many times did you get shot down before you gave up and drunk your liver into a stupor?"

"About five."

"Aw, you really are a wuss," the second devil sighed.

"The last was the worst," Kuja sighed, brushing his hair.

"There, there, tell us all about it," the first devil said consolingly, patting him on the neck.

"Yeah, your misery is quite amusing."

"Thank you," Kuja said dryly. He set the brush down and started back to the other room.

"The last girl was a cute little blonde... I think she was one of those Alexandrian guard girls..."

"Ooh, they're always nice," the first devil said. The second nodded in agreement.

"Well, the other girls were more subtle than her. I walked up to her, and had barely gotten a word out of my mouth when she looked at me and said... and said..." Kuja stopped in front of his bed.

"Said what?" the first devil prodded with his tail.

"'Sorry lady, but I don't swing that way,'" Kuja wailed, flopping back onto the bed. His little devils sat on the covers, leaning against his shoulders. The second devil was giggling hysterically.

Kuja covered his face with a hand. "I've never been so humiliated."

"What about when Queen Brahne first thought you were a girl?" the second devil giggled.

"No, this was worse," Kuja said.

"Yeah, with Brahne he wasn't trying to get laid," the first devil said loudly. Kuja winced.

"What a thought!" the second hooted. Both devils burst into a loud fit of laughter.

"I hate you two," Kuja sighed.

"Good, good, good," the first devil nodded approvingly. "Don't worry, we're here now, and we'll help you get laid tonight."

"I don't want to go out tonight! I can barely stand up without tripping over my tail!"

"Ah, pish, details details," the first waved a hand. "I said don't worry about it."

"I can't help but worry with you two involved."

"How heartwarming!" the second devil giggled.

"I have better things to be doing than going out trying to get laid," Kuja said.

"Like what?"

"I'm supposed to be killing people and causing wars and stuff," Kuja said slowly.

"If you kill anyone, who are you gonna sleep with?" the first devil wondered.

"A Genome, perhaps?" the second suggested.

"Naw, too frigid," the first shook his head.

"Maybe you'd have better luck if you just got drunk and passed out, and hoped that someone might take advantage of you."

"That might work."

"Shut up already!" Kuja swatted at the devils ineffectively.

"Hey, we're just trying to help!"

"I don't need your help!" Kuja snapped at them.

"Dude, you haven't gotten laid in so long, I'm starting to think that your tail is your best friend," the second devil snickered.

"You'd sleep with your own mother, if you had one," the first said.

"Ew!" Kuja stood up suddenly. "I'm desperate, not sick!" The devils snickered again.

"Well, then what are you gonna do, loverboy?"

"Yeah, you can't get anything done without us."

"I..." Kuja looked around for a moment. He pointed to the window. "I'm gonna lean out that window, and if I can find someone to sleep with me, then you two have to lean me alone for a week."

"And if not?"

"Then you get to find someone for me," Kuja said, his shoulders slumping. The devils looked at each other and shrugged.

"It's your sex life, tail-boy."

Kuja went over to the window and pulled up the blinds. It was dark out, as was to be expected. Despite the relatively early hour, the street below was empty, but for a lone woman standing a few doors down. Kuja swished his tail eagerly, leaning out the window.

"Hey, lady!"

The woman looked up, pushing a mess of black hair from her eyes. "What?"

"Do you think I'm a man or a woman?"

The woman squinted. "No self-respecting woman would ever lean out a window and call out to another woman and refer to her as a 'lady'. So you must be a guy."

The devils looked at eachother in surprise. Kuja grinned.

"And besides, you don't have any tits."

Kuja blushed for a moment as he realized that he was still in a relative state of undress. He curled his violet tail up through the window.

"Does the tail bother you?"

"Not as long as it ain't carrying anything."

Kuja grinned again. "The tail's clean."

"What about the rest of ya?"

"I'm an angel," Kuja drawled. The woman chuckled.


"D'ya'wanna fuck?" Kuja gave an inane giggle and swished his tail. The woman burst out laughing.

"If you can pay, mister," she said, grinning.

"Oh, I can pay," Kuja nodded eagerly.

The devils looks at each other. "He should've tried a hooker sooner."

"I'll let you in downstairs!" Kuja called, leaning back in and facing the devils.

"You win," they sighed.

"I'm goooood," Kuja purred, pulling on his robe before going to let the woman in. The devils shook their heads and shrugged.

"Oh well, there's always next week."